Yes, yes I do.
I have been doing horribly.
Like, really horribly. Mainly, its my water intake (or lack thereof) and I am swelling as well as gaining.
Now back up to 291 and not a BIT happy about it.
I sometimes wish that this whole thing was easy. But if it was easy, everyone would be thin.
One thing that has surprised me, though, is that I haven't given up. I usually throw in the towel by now and say "it's too hard". but this time, I am actually sticking to it. I fall off the wagon quite often, but I always get back on it.
I swear, in the end, this weight is gonna just jump off me cuz it will get tired of me trying to evict it.
I guess I have been motivating myself. Looking forward to be the big loser.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Good Ends Bad Gets Better
I was having a good day today. I started with a killer 1400 cal workout (that almost killed me, literally) and I stuck to my diet, ate under 1500 cals and drank more than 1.5 liters of water. Was feeling awesome all day.
Went to YouTube to watch some videos of weight loss transformations for inspiration. Ended up watching Christina Aguilera's video for "in this skin" and the darkness rolled in.
I swear, I was almost in tears by the second verse and I spent the next 2 hours doing damage control.
I have been overweight for my entire adult life and that song reminded that I haven't felt really good about my body in almost ten years (cue the violins). I was so proud of myself for breaking the depression today and here I was, sitting still while allowing it to lower its ugly cloud over me.
I browsed through dozens of country videos (for some reason, country music boosts my mood) and then I settled for my failsafe:
P!nk.
She is the epitome of self expression, honesty and self love. She is totally like "I'm weird, so what? dont like it? fuck you!" and I LOVE that about her. so here are my faves for the down mood that needs to be upped. Click and enjoy whenever needed:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asaCQOZpqUQ&feature=relmfu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjVNlG5cZyQ&feature=relmfu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJfFZqTlWrQ&feature=relmfu
She also has a song called "fuckin perfect" that I love, but I won't post the link here because it's very triggering for those who may be suffering from or recovered from an ED. I used to suffer from one and it was difficult to watch, but the lyrics are so powerful.
"Change the voices in your head; make them like you instead"
Went to YouTube to watch some videos of weight loss transformations for inspiration. Ended up watching Christina Aguilera's video for "in this skin" and the darkness rolled in.
I swear, I was almost in tears by the second verse and I spent the next 2 hours doing damage control.
I have been overweight for my entire adult life and that song reminded that I haven't felt really good about my body in almost ten years (cue the violins). I was so proud of myself for breaking the depression today and here I was, sitting still while allowing it to lower its ugly cloud over me.
I browsed through dozens of country videos (for some reason, country music boosts my mood) and then I settled for my failsafe:
P!nk.
She is the epitome of self expression, honesty and self love. She is totally like "I'm weird, so what? dont like it? fuck you!" and I LOVE that about her. so here are my faves for the down mood that needs to be upped. Click and enjoy whenever needed:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asaCQOZpqUQ&feature=relmfu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjVNlG5cZyQ&feature=relmfu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJfFZqTlWrQ&feature=relmfu
She also has a song called "fuckin perfect" that I love, but I won't post the link here because it's very triggering for those who may be suffering from or recovered from an ED. I used to suffer from one and it was difficult to watch, but the lyrics are so powerful.
"Change the voices in your head; make them like you instead"
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Gym Lookers
Oh, the gym, how I love thee!
But how I HATE everyone else who goes there.
It seems like such a stigma attached to "fat people exercising". I feel too fat for the treadmill or elliptical, but it's obvious that I need to be there (have you seen my THIGHS?!) but I feel inadequate and uncomfortable when the person next to me watches me.
It's like "eyes forward, buddy!" but I guess you can't help but look. And as soon at they do, I immediately feel like they are pitying me for the little bit of work I am doing or they are laughing at me for not being able to go faster or work harder and I have a mini panic attack and I have to run away!
Ugh.
And I simply HATE seeing fit, trim women on a treadmill, running with the wind in their hair, their tones legs moving gracefully, arms pumping, not breaking a sweat or slowing down while I am puffing away, drenched, barely clearing a mile in less than 18 minutes.
Makes me feel like such a failure and I want to just go home and cuddle with Ben AND Jerry.
I lift weights 4-5 times a week and the guys are shameless in their blatant staring at my ass when I do lunges and squats. I've seen them stop their workout and look appreciably at my rear while I work out. I'm not flattered, I'm uncomfortable. I feel like they are critiquing my technique, even though I know their eyes aren't travelling higher than my back.
Ugh.
Why can't the gym be a happy place for me? I find myself going when it's emptiest, just so I don't have to be around others. When I "zone out", I'm fine, but it irks me when I catch someone looking. My own social awkwardness and anxiety feels crippling when at the gym while it's at its peak flow of customers.
I have stopped more than one workout to go into the locker room and take deep breaths or text my husband.
Ugh.
Post over. Thanks for reading.
(I hope it gets better, but its been 6 months and it hasn't yet)
But how I HATE everyone else who goes there.
It seems like such a stigma attached to "fat people exercising". I feel too fat for the treadmill or elliptical, but it's obvious that I need to be there (have you seen my THIGHS?!) but I feel inadequate and uncomfortable when the person next to me watches me.
It's like "eyes forward, buddy!" but I guess you can't help but look. And as soon at they do, I immediately feel like they are pitying me for the little bit of work I am doing or they are laughing at me for not being able to go faster or work harder and I have a mini panic attack and I have to run away!
Ugh.
And I simply HATE seeing fit, trim women on a treadmill, running with the wind in their hair, their tones legs moving gracefully, arms pumping, not breaking a sweat or slowing down while I am puffing away, drenched, barely clearing a mile in less than 18 minutes.
Makes me feel like such a failure and I want to just go home and cuddle with Ben AND Jerry.
I lift weights 4-5 times a week and the guys are shameless in their blatant staring at my ass when I do lunges and squats. I've seen them stop their workout and look appreciably at my rear while I work out. I'm not flattered, I'm uncomfortable. I feel like they are critiquing my technique, even though I know their eyes aren't travelling higher than my back.
Ugh.
Why can't the gym be a happy place for me? I find myself going when it's emptiest, just so I don't have to be around others. When I "zone out", I'm fine, but it irks me when I catch someone looking. My own social awkwardness and anxiety feels crippling when at the gym while it's at its peak flow of customers.
I have stopped more than one workout to go into the locker room and take deep breaths or text my husband.
Ugh.
Post over. Thanks for reading.
(I hope it gets better, but its been 6 months and it hasn't yet)
Magic Mirror
Magic Mirror on the wall
Please tell me why I'm so tall
and why do my hips and butt stick out?
I've got handles for loving,
but I hate them with a passion
I've got war wounds on my belly
but I don't remember going to fight
My torso is long and my legs are short
My thighs run on for miles and miles around
They tell me these marks are for stretching
but I thought I was done growing already
so I wish they would stop
Magic Mirror, is that really me?
When did I get so round
so wide
so darn big?!
And why didn't you warn me?
Why didn't you tell me to stop before all this damage was done?
And why must you watch me while I try to undo it?
You seem to follow me everywhere
I can't even go to work without getting a glimpse of the blob that has become me
the me that I barely recognize, but it must be me as I am the only one here
No matter how much I tuck, suck and stand on my tiptoes, I am still fat
and you aren't shadowing it one bit
I didn't think that those extra bites of pasta
or that ice cream
or those hours in front of the TV would turn me into
THIS
Magic Mirror, tell me lies
Show me the thinner, prettier me of days long past
Show me a time when my body wasn't ruled my gigantic ass
when my belly was flat and my thighs were toned
Show me my future
Show me what's coming
And I'll try to see it through my veil of tears
Please tell me why I'm so tall
and why do my hips and butt stick out?
I've got handles for loving,
but I hate them with a passion
I've got war wounds on my belly
but I don't remember going to fight
My torso is long and my legs are short
My thighs run on for miles and miles around
They tell me these marks are for stretching
but I thought I was done growing already
so I wish they would stop
Magic Mirror, is that really me?
When did I get so round
so wide
so darn big?!
And why didn't you warn me?
Why didn't you tell me to stop before all this damage was done?
And why must you watch me while I try to undo it?
You seem to follow me everywhere
I can't even go to work without getting a glimpse of the blob that has become me
the me that I barely recognize, but it must be me as I am the only one here
No matter how much I tuck, suck and stand on my tiptoes, I am still fat
and you aren't shadowing it one bit
I didn't think that those extra bites of pasta
or that ice cream
or those hours in front of the TV would turn me into
THIS
Magic Mirror, tell me lies
Show me the thinner, prettier me of days long past
Show me a time when my body wasn't ruled my gigantic ass
when my belly was flat and my thighs were toned
Show me my future
Show me what's coming
And I'll try to see it through my veil of tears
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Update (Out of Hiding)
I have been hiding.
You may be able to tell from my lack of posting and lack of general internet presence...I cocooned myself and I was determined to stay a caterpillar! No butterflies for me!
I descended into the darkness (depression) as I am wont to do every once in a while, but I was able to shake it off.
Here I am, returned to the land of the living, weighing in at a whopping 281lbs! that brings my weight loss up to 26lbs and I am excited about that! I was unable to get my scale under 282 for a long time and I am proud to say I broke the plateau.
It cost me many hours at the gym, sore muscles and food that tasted like crap, but I did it!
I am about to start a new diet program call Visallis (forever mentioned from this point as Vi) and I'm hoping the results will be major. Those who I know who have used it or are using it have lost weight quickly, easily and have kept it off.
I will keep you guys updated and thanks for listening!
You may be able to tell from my lack of posting and lack of general internet presence...I cocooned myself and I was determined to stay a caterpillar! No butterflies for me!
I descended into the darkness (depression) as I am wont to do every once in a while, but I was able to shake it off.
Here I am, returned to the land of the living, weighing in at a whopping 281lbs! that brings my weight loss up to 26lbs and I am excited about that! I was unable to get my scale under 282 for a long time and I am proud to say I broke the plateau.
It cost me many hours at the gym, sore muscles and food that tasted like crap, but I did it!
I am about to start a new diet program call Visallis (forever mentioned from this point as Vi) and I'm hoping the results will be major. Those who I know who have used it or are using it have lost weight quickly, easily and have kept it off.
I will keep you guys updated and thanks for listening!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
My Breaking Heart
I am watching "My 600lb Life" and I am crying. I don't cry easily. Ok, that's not the truth: I don't cry easily unless it has to do with people suffering.
I can watch a puppy get strangled and I am like "oh, that sucks" but if I see a child looking sad or hear them say: "I'm so hungry" it breaks my heart.
I am watching this morbidly obese man lose weight at a ridiculous pace just to fall into a coma a short while later. 300lbs lost (which is an awesome feat, no matter how it was done) and he gets sick and falls into a coma. It broke my heart and turned on the faucets behind my eyes. Human suffering is a weakness of mine as I am filled with empathy for everyone. I have been through so many situations that many hardships are not lost on me because I have felt them some way: I have been hungry, poor, sick, scared, lonely, watched loved ones die, had anger so bad I thought I would kill someone, been so depressed I tried to kill myself and many other situations. The result is a person who is a sucker for a sob story and I cry with people. And I cry for them. I work with people everyday and I have cried with them and I prayed for them and I have felt my heart wrench at their stories.
I try to help, I always help, but sometimes, like today, I am helpless. I am watching this man die and I can do nothing to stop it. It makes me feel so small in such a big world.
It almost feels like I take other's pain and make it my own. For a person like me, social work or services seems like a perfect job, but the stress would kill me in no time. It's only so much crying and heart breaking you can do and feel before your heart finally decides not to repair itself.
And it makes me tired. All this feeling exhausts me and I sometimes feel like I have nothing left for my own family when I get home. I have nothing for myself. Ever.
That is why my weight loss was once so important to me: it felt like I was finally feeling for myself. It felt good. Now, not so much. I feel drained. And tired. And the thought of losing weight drains me so much that I just sit there and I am not sure where to go from this point. My last weigh in was 285 a few days ago. I'm not sure where I am now or what I will be doing. I know I must get back to it, it just seems so hard.
Thanks for listening.
I can watch a puppy get strangled and I am like "oh, that sucks" but if I see a child looking sad or hear them say: "I'm so hungry" it breaks my heart.
I am watching this morbidly obese man lose weight at a ridiculous pace just to fall into a coma a short while later. 300lbs lost (which is an awesome feat, no matter how it was done) and he gets sick and falls into a coma. It broke my heart and turned on the faucets behind my eyes. Human suffering is a weakness of mine as I am filled with empathy for everyone. I have been through so many situations that many hardships are not lost on me because I have felt them some way: I have been hungry, poor, sick, scared, lonely, watched loved ones die, had anger so bad I thought I would kill someone, been so depressed I tried to kill myself and many other situations. The result is a person who is a sucker for a sob story and I cry with people. And I cry for them. I work with people everyday and I have cried with them and I prayed for them and I have felt my heart wrench at their stories.
I try to help, I always help, but sometimes, like today, I am helpless. I am watching this man die and I can do nothing to stop it. It makes me feel so small in such a big world.
It almost feels like I take other's pain and make it my own. For a person like me, social work or services seems like a perfect job, but the stress would kill me in no time. It's only so much crying and heart breaking you can do and feel before your heart finally decides not to repair itself.
And it makes me tired. All this feeling exhausts me and I sometimes feel like I have nothing left for my own family when I get home. I have nothing for myself. Ever.
That is why my weight loss was once so important to me: it felt like I was finally feeling for myself. It felt good. Now, not so much. I feel drained. And tired. And the thought of losing weight drains me so much that I just sit there and I am not sure where to go from this point. My last weigh in was 285 a few days ago. I'm not sure where I am now or what I will be doing. I know I must get back to it, it just seems so hard.
Thanks for listening.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Happy Birthday to Me
I have approached this birthday with much apprehension and trepidation. Besides turning a year older, I have been kinda peeping at the 30th, waiting for it come and go so that I can move beyond it.
But I am FEELING these 27 yrs. I am still young, but my body is not responding well to these extra 120lbs I have tacked onto it and made it carry for all these years. I am, of course, finally doing something about it, but it's a "slow go" and I hate the way my scale creeps lower at its own pace. And sometimes creeps up. This week, like the last one, was a creep up. I am 285 today on my birthday and I am NOT happy about it. I wanted to weigh in at 279 or lower and I have missed that goal by 6lbs and feeling kind of bummed. Add that to some personal troubles I am having, I am just NOT in the birthday spirit.
And I always feel like I don't celebrate my birthday correctly. Most people my age get wasted and party and that is just not what I want to do. I feel too mature for the "get wasted and drunk dance on the table" type atmosphere. And my family is big on going out for "nice" dinners for birthdays, but I am tired of rewarding myself with food. My unhealthy relationship with food is what got me here and I don't want to do something to encourage it.
So what do I want to do for my birthday? I want to hit the gym and then dance sweaty in my boyshorts and tank top for my husband. TMI, but its MY blog and I can share what I want!! :-)
We are going to head out of town in a few days to Atlantic City and hit the casinos and spend some much needed time together.
Even though today has been kind of a bummer, I take solace in the fact that my next birthday will be spent taking millions of pictures at my goal weight.
I am blessed to have seen this day and I can't wait to spend many many many many more like it.
But I am FEELING these 27 yrs. I am still young, but my body is not responding well to these extra 120lbs I have tacked onto it and made it carry for all these years. I am, of course, finally doing something about it, but it's a "slow go" and I hate the way my scale creeps lower at its own pace. And sometimes creeps up. This week, like the last one, was a creep up. I am 285 today on my birthday and I am NOT happy about it. I wanted to weigh in at 279 or lower and I have missed that goal by 6lbs and feeling kind of bummed. Add that to some personal troubles I am having, I am just NOT in the birthday spirit.
And I always feel like I don't celebrate my birthday correctly. Most people my age get wasted and party and that is just not what I want to do. I feel too mature for the "get wasted and drunk dance on the table" type atmosphere. And my family is big on going out for "nice" dinners for birthdays, but I am tired of rewarding myself with food. My unhealthy relationship with food is what got me here and I don't want to do something to encourage it.
So what do I want to do for my birthday? I want to hit the gym and then dance sweaty in my boyshorts and tank top for my husband. TMI, but its MY blog and I can share what I want!! :-)
We are going to head out of town in a few days to Atlantic City and hit the casinos and spend some much needed time together.
Even though today has been kind of a bummer, I take solace in the fact that my next birthday will be spent taking millions of pictures at my goal weight.
I am blessed to have seen this day and I can't wait to spend many many many many more like it.
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