I am watching "My 600lb Life" and I am crying. I don't cry easily. Ok, that's not the truth: I don't cry easily unless it has to do with people suffering.
I can watch a puppy get strangled and I am like "oh, that sucks" but if I see a child looking sad or hear them say: "I'm so hungry" it breaks my heart.
I am watching this morbidly obese man lose weight at a ridiculous pace just to fall into a coma a short while later. 300lbs lost (which is an awesome feat, no matter how it was done) and he gets sick and falls into a coma. It broke my heart and turned on the faucets behind my eyes. Human suffering is a weakness of mine as I am filled with empathy for everyone. I have been through so many situations that many hardships are not lost on me because I have felt them some way: I have been hungry, poor, sick, scared, lonely, watched loved ones die, had anger so bad I thought I would kill someone, been so depressed I tried to kill myself and many other situations. The result is a person who is a sucker for a sob story and I cry with people. And I cry for them. I work with people everyday and I have cried with them and I prayed for them and I have felt my heart wrench at their stories.
I try to help, I always help, but sometimes, like today, I am helpless. I am watching this man die and I can do nothing to stop it. It makes me feel so small in such a big world.
It almost feels like I take other's pain and make it my own. For a person like me, social work or services seems like a perfect job, but the stress would kill me in no time. It's only so much crying and heart breaking you can do and feel before your heart finally decides not to repair itself.
And it makes me tired. All this feeling exhausts me and I sometimes feel like I have nothing left for my own family when I get home. I have nothing for myself. Ever.
That is why my weight loss was once so important to me: it felt like I was finally feeling for myself. It felt good. Now, not so much. I feel drained. And tired. And the thought of losing weight drains me so much that I just sit there and I am not sure where to go from this point. My last weigh in was 285 a few days ago. I'm not sure where I am now or what I will be doing. I know I must get back to it, it just seems so hard.
Thanks for listening.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Happy Birthday to Me
I have approached this birthday with much apprehension and trepidation. Besides turning a year older, I have been kinda peeping at the 30th, waiting for it come and go so that I can move beyond it.
But I am FEELING these 27 yrs. I am still young, but my body is not responding well to these extra 120lbs I have tacked onto it and made it carry for all these years. I am, of course, finally doing something about it, but it's a "slow go" and I hate the way my scale creeps lower at its own pace. And sometimes creeps up. This week, like the last one, was a creep up. I am 285 today on my birthday and I am NOT happy about it. I wanted to weigh in at 279 or lower and I have missed that goal by 6lbs and feeling kind of bummed. Add that to some personal troubles I am having, I am just NOT in the birthday spirit.
And I always feel like I don't celebrate my birthday correctly. Most people my age get wasted and party and that is just not what I want to do. I feel too mature for the "get wasted and drunk dance on the table" type atmosphere. And my family is big on going out for "nice" dinners for birthdays, but I am tired of rewarding myself with food. My unhealthy relationship with food is what got me here and I don't want to do something to encourage it.
So what do I want to do for my birthday? I want to hit the gym and then dance sweaty in my boyshorts and tank top for my husband. TMI, but its MY blog and I can share what I want!! :-)
We are going to head out of town in a few days to Atlantic City and hit the casinos and spend some much needed time together.
Even though today has been kind of a bummer, I take solace in the fact that my next birthday will be spent taking millions of pictures at my goal weight.
I am blessed to have seen this day and I can't wait to spend many many many many more like it.
But I am FEELING these 27 yrs. I am still young, but my body is not responding well to these extra 120lbs I have tacked onto it and made it carry for all these years. I am, of course, finally doing something about it, but it's a "slow go" and I hate the way my scale creeps lower at its own pace. And sometimes creeps up. This week, like the last one, was a creep up. I am 285 today on my birthday and I am NOT happy about it. I wanted to weigh in at 279 or lower and I have missed that goal by 6lbs and feeling kind of bummed. Add that to some personal troubles I am having, I am just NOT in the birthday spirit.
And I always feel like I don't celebrate my birthday correctly. Most people my age get wasted and party and that is just not what I want to do. I feel too mature for the "get wasted and drunk dance on the table" type atmosphere. And my family is big on going out for "nice" dinners for birthdays, but I am tired of rewarding myself with food. My unhealthy relationship with food is what got me here and I don't want to do something to encourage it.
So what do I want to do for my birthday? I want to hit the gym and then dance sweaty in my boyshorts and tank top for my husband. TMI, but its MY blog and I can share what I want!! :-)
We are going to head out of town in a few days to Atlantic City and hit the casinos and spend some much needed time together.
Even though today has been kind of a bummer, I take solace in the fact that my next birthday will be spent taking millions of pictures at my goal weight.
I am blessed to have seen this day and I can't wait to spend many many many many more like it.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
I Am My Own Roadblock
I always wondered why dieters could explain to you exactly why their diets failed. Sometimes (most of the time) their explanations just didn't make any sense:
"My diet failed because it included too much ice cream"
(I actually laughed at the person who told me this, but, for the record, I would TOTALLY follow a scientifically proven ice cream diet)
And some explanations really hit home (even though they were hard to hear):
"I couldn't stick to my diet because I made it too hard for myself"
Wow. Read my mind much?
So far on this journey (I hate that term, so cliche, but it IS a journey for me, one that wont end. Ever.) I have lost 25lbs and I have lost 2 sizes (22 down to a 18) and I have finally reached a point where I simply MUST buy new clothes because my current ones fall off of me. I am getting compliments and inquiries from everyone (including my customers) and it's feeling pretty good.
But.
For the last 2 weeks I have totally lost my mind. I haven't been sticking to my diet (which, by the way, isnt a popular diet plan but a bunch of odds and ends taken from other plans with my own tweaking) and I haven't been adjusting my exercise to reflect my overage of calories. I have been hiding from the scale since Monday because I KNOW I have messed up and I am not willing to see how bad the damage is. I know that any weight on that scale will reflect the 4 days of excess sodium, not enough water, and extra poop retained due to a diet rich in pizza and pasta. (TMI, I know)
I havent been to the gym since Monday and I haven't been sticking to my 1hr workouts. I havent started my two a days (which I was supposed to start last week. Consists of 3 2x a day sessions of exercise, 45 mins of cardio and weight training and 30-45 mins of aerobic/yoga at 2 separate times a day).
I have totally dropped the ball. Its sitting in front of me on the floor and I am just staring at it. I have no desire to pick it back up. Because I have done the worst thing I could have possibly done for my weight loss:
I started a challenge.
Let me give you a little background:
Whenever I give myself a weight loss challenge, I always feel pressured and frantic and I lose all knowledge of healthy habits and I crash diet and I binge and I gain and lose and gain and lose and I gain. Notice how I didnt say "lose" after that last "gain". Then i get discouraged and I say FUCK IT and grab the ice cream. Cue violins. 6 months later, Im fatter than ever and more depressed. stop violins. This shit must end. So when I started making gradual changes in October, I told myself that I wouldnt do this to myself again. By November, I was hitting the gym 5 times a week, had my diet under control and was watching the scale move in the direction I wanted to.
I allowed myself to get sucked into a "weight loss challenge" and I figured it would help motivate me. WTF was I thinking? I started the challenge Sunday and I have lost my mind since then. It's like putting strict expectations on my losing has caused my motivation to leave me.
I have totally set myself back. Somewhere in my head, knowing that I didnt have any short term goals in mind allowed me to take it one day at a time, one week at a time. Knowing that I wasnt gaining week over week was good enough and losing was a bonus. Now, knowing that to win this challenge I must lose every week has kind of snapped something in my head.
I am losing it and I must find it.
**Picks ball up**
Thanks for listening.
"My diet failed because it included too much ice cream"
(I actually laughed at the person who told me this, but, for the record, I would TOTALLY follow a scientifically proven ice cream diet)
And some explanations really hit home (even though they were hard to hear):
"I couldn't stick to my diet because I made it too hard for myself"
Wow. Read my mind much?
So far on this journey (I hate that term, so cliche, but it IS a journey for me, one that wont end. Ever.) I have lost 25lbs and I have lost 2 sizes (22 down to a 18) and I have finally reached a point where I simply MUST buy new clothes because my current ones fall off of me. I am getting compliments and inquiries from everyone (including my customers) and it's feeling pretty good.
But.
For the last 2 weeks I have totally lost my mind. I haven't been sticking to my diet (which, by the way, isnt a popular diet plan but a bunch of odds and ends taken from other plans with my own tweaking) and I haven't been adjusting my exercise to reflect my overage of calories. I have been hiding from the scale since Monday because I KNOW I have messed up and I am not willing to see how bad the damage is. I know that any weight on that scale will reflect the 4 days of excess sodium, not enough water, and extra poop retained due to a diet rich in pizza and pasta. (TMI, I know)
I havent been to the gym since Monday and I haven't been sticking to my 1hr workouts. I havent started my two a days (which I was supposed to start last week. Consists of 3 2x a day sessions of exercise, 45 mins of cardio and weight training and 30-45 mins of aerobic/yoga at 2 separate times a day).
I have totally dropped the ball. Its sitting in front of me on the floor and I am just staring at it. I have no desire to pick it back up. Because I have done the worst thing I could have possibly done for my weight loss:
I started a challenge.
Let me give you a little background:
Whenever I give myself a weight loss challenge, I always feel pressured and frantic and I lose all knowledge of healthy habits and I crash diet and I binge and I gain and lose and gain and lose and I gain. Notice how I didnt say "lose" after that last "gain". Then i get discouraged and I say FUCK IT and grab the ice cream. Cue violins. 6 months later, Im fatter than ever and more depressed. stop violins. This shit must end. So when I started making gradual changes in October, I told myself that I wouldnt do this to myself again. By November, I was hitting the gym 5 times a week, had my diet under control and was watching the scale move in the direction I wanted to.
I allowed myself to get sucked into a "weight loss challenge" and I figured it would help motivate me. WTF was I thinking? I started the challenge Sunday and I have lost my mind since then. It's like putting strict expectations on my losing has caused my motivation to leave me.
I have totally set myself back. Somewhere in my head, knowing that I didnt have any short term goals in mind allowed me to take it one day at a time, one week at a time. Knowing that I wasnt gaining week over week was good enough and losing was a bonus. Now, knowing that to win this challenge I must lose every week has kind of snapped something in my head.
I am losing it and I must find it.
**Picks ball up**
Thanks for listening.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Staying Motivated
I have been sick for the last 21 days and for these 21 days I have given myself every excuse my brain could think of (and believe me, I'm a writer by profession, so there were plenty) to eat what I wanted. I have still managed to drop another 2lbs bringing my grand total to 25lbs lost and my weight down to 282lbs (YAY ME!!)
But I can't help but think of how much more I could've lost had I stuck to my plan. Another day. Another fresh start.
But it's hard to stay motivated. I actually enjoy eating healthier (it gives me a sense of pride to fill my body with things that I know will keep it healthier) and I love to exercise (its my break from my kids/life/stressors/etc) but sometimes, I just want to take a break from it all. It takes so much EFFORT.
I know what it is, and I am glad to say that even THAT is more under control since I have been getting more sleep and eating better and exercising. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 17 and I have struggled with it my whole life.
Since I have been sleeping better and eating better and exercising, the drastic mood swings have been more under control, which is absolutely AWESOME. But I know that when I start feeling "funky" its because the swings are creeping back up on me.
Makes it hard to stay motivated.
But I guess my "25" will keep me motivated. I'll get back into the swing of things. And every week I dont gain is a week that I am WINNING.
Thanks for listening.
But I can't help but think of how much more I could've lost had I stuck to my plan. Another day. Another fresh start.
But it's hard to stay motivated. I actually enjoy eating healthier (it gives me a sense of pride to fill my body with things that I know will keep it healthier) and I love to exercise (its my break from my kids/life/stressors/etc) but sometimes, I just want to take a break from it all. It takes so much EFFORT.
I know what it is, and I am glad to say that even THAT is more under control since I have been getting more sleep and eating better and exercising. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 17 and I have struggled with it my whole life.
Since I have been sleeping better and eating better and exercising, the drastic mood swings have been more under control, which is absolutely AWESOME. But I know that when I start feeling "funky" its because the swings are creeping back up on me.
Makes it hard to stay motivated.
But I guess my "25" will keep me motivated. I'll get back into the swing of things. And every week I dont gain is a week that I am WINNING.
Thanks for listening.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Hiding
So I'm pretty good at hiding when I'm ashamed of myself. And I am ashamed of myself. My last valid weigh in showed me at 286. I have had bronchitis and sinusitis and pneumonia and I have used these as an excuse to pig out.
My official excuse was that I need some "comfort". And because I could not breathe properly, I couldn't work out the way I needed to. So for 10 days, I only had 1 good, sweaty workout and the other 4 workouts were just fluff. Just so that I could say that I moved my fat body for 30 minutes.
I am rather disgusted by myself and my recent behavior. So I have been hiding. Hiding from myself and from my blog.
Shame on me.
Ok, so I wasn't going to say it, but I weighed myself today (after I pigged out again) and I was 289. Ugh.
Ok, I am going to run away now. Feeling my motivation drain away. I've gained 5lbs. I hate when this happens. And I'm still sick.
I guess this is an update.
My official excuse was that I need some "comfort". And because I could not breathe properly, I couldn't work out the way I needed to. So for 10 days, I only had 1 good, sweaty workout and the other 4 workouts were just fluff. Just so that I could say that I moved my fat body for 30 minutes.
I am rather disgusted by myself and my recent behavior. So I have been hiding. Hiding from myself and from my blog.
Shame on me.
Ok, so I wasn't going to say it, but I weighed myself today (after I pigged out again) and I was 289. Ugh.
Ok, I am going to run away now. Feeling my motivation drain away. I've gained 5lbs. I hate when this happens. And I'm still sick.
I guess this is an update.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Hangs Head in Shame: Update
So maybe I've been hiding from myself. I definitely have been hiding from my scale. The holidays always do something to me, and that something is always negative. I didn't feel the spirit this year, I just felt the stress of it. I couldn't snap out of it.
I came down with the flu (I'm acutally still recovering from it, YUCK) and I just haven't been keeping a strict regiment anymore. I have watched my scale go back up to 290 and I have watched it dip to my morning weight of 284.6. I should be through the roof, but I am kind of feeling down about it.
I know that this weight loss thingy is a long journey, but I LOATHE watching the scale creep its way down. Seems like it flies up and floats down and that irritates me.
But, one step at a time. One foot in front of the other. One bite at a time, one minute at a time.
I guess we all get discouraged. I see that I have dropped 2 sizes (from a *GASP* 22 to an 18) and I get happy. I see the changes in my face, my body, my energy level. I'm walking with more confidence and I feel lighter and happier. 23lbs is nothing to sneeze at, but I would love for that 23 to turn into 123 so that I can be done. I think I'm just venting (again) and I'm feeling kind of yucky. I'll snap out of it eventually.
Thanks for listening.
I came down with the flu (I'm acutally still recovering from it, YUCK) and I just haven't been keeping a strict regiment anymore. I have watched my scale go back up to 290 and I have watched it dip to my morning weight of 284.6. I should be through the roof, but I am kind of feeling down about it.
I know that this weight loss thingy is a long journey, but I LOATHE watching the scale creep its way down. Seems like it flies up and floats down and that irritates me.
But, one step at a time. One foot in front of the other. One bite at a time, one minute at a time.
I guess we all get discouraged. I see that I have dropped 2 sizes (from a *GASP* 22 to an 18) and I get happy. I see the changes in my face, my body, my energy level. I'm walking with more confidence and I feel lighter and happier. 23lbs is nothing to sneeze at, but I would love for that 23 to turn into 123 so that I can be done. I think I'm just venting (again) and I'm feeling kind of yucky. I'll snap out of it eventually.
Thanks for listening.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Hit a Road Block, Plus Weight Update
I have been working out a little harder, not always hitting an hour a day but close to it and I have been abiding by my diet plan almost totally. I had a weird last 2 days of eating fast food, but my weight in this morning showed that I was down to 287.8lbs, which means that I have hit the 20lb mark!! (yay me!!)
But instead of being ecstatic about it, I went and got a burger and have been in a very big FUNK all day. I can't seem to snap out of it and its affecting my motivation to stay on plan. this morning it was a struggle to go to the gym and work out and I was feeling very lazy the whole time (still did 30 mins of cardio and some ab work) and i had McDonald's today. I know that I should take this one day at a time and not worry too much about falling off plan for a day or so and I'm still losing and I can hop back on the weight loss train tomorrow, but it's kind of a hard funk to snap.
So I guess it's YAY for the 20lb mark and **HUGS** for the funky mood.
I guess the stress is just getting to me.
Thanks for reading.
Back on plan tomorrow.
But instead of being ecstatic about it, I went and got a burger and have been in a very big FUNK all day. I can't seem to snap out of it and its affecting my motivation to stay on plan. this morning it was a struggle to go to the gym and work out and I was feeling very lazy the whole time (still did 30 mins of cardio and some ab work) and i had McDonald's today. I know that I should take this one day at a time and not worry too much about falling off plan for a day or so and I'm still losing and I can hop back on the weight loss train tomorrow, but it's kind of a hard funk to snap.
So I guess it's YAY for the 20lb mark and **HUGS** for the funky mood.
I guess the stress is just getting to me.
Thanks for reading.
Back on plan tomorrow.
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