I always wondered why dieters could explain to you exactly why their diets failed. Sometimes (most of the time) their explanations just didn't make any sense:
"My diet failed because it included too much ice cream"
(I actually laughed at the person who told me this, but, for the record, I would TOTALLY follow a scientifically proven ice cream diet)
And some explanations really hit home (even though they were hard to hear):
"I couldn't stick to my diet because I made it too hard for myself"
Wow. Read my mind much?
So far on this journey (I hate that term, so cliche, but it IS a journey for me, one that wont end. Ever.) I have lost 25lbs and I have lost 2 sizes (22 down to a 18) and I have finally reached a point where I simply MUST buy new clothes because my current ones fall off of me. I am getting compliments and inquiries from everyone (including my customers) and it's feeling pretty good.
But.
For the last 2 weeks I have totally lost my mind. I haven't been sticking to my diet (which, by the way, isnt a popular diet plan but a bunch of odds and ends taken from other plans with my own tweaking) and I haven't been adjusting my exercise to reflect my overage of calories. I have been hiding from the scale since Monday because I KNOW I have messed up and I am not willing to see how bad the damage is. I know that any weight on that scale will reflect the 4 days of excess sodium, not enough water, and extra poop retained due to a diet rich in pizza and pasta. (TMI, I know)
I havent been to the gym since Monday and I haven't been sticking to my 1hr workouts. I havent started my two a days (which I was supposed to start last week. Consists of 3 2x a day sessions of exercise, 45 mins of cardio and weight training and 30-45 mins of aerobic/yoga at 2 separate times a day).
I have totally dropped the ball. Its sitting in front of me on the floor and I am just staring at it. I have no desire to pick it back up. Because I have done the worst thing I could have possibly done for my weight loss:
I started a challenge.
Let me give you a little background:
Whenever I give myself a weight loss challenge, I always feel pressured and frantic and I lose all knowledge of healthy habits and I crash diet and I binge and I gain and lose and gain and lose and I gain. Notice how I didnt say "lose" after that last "gain". Then i get discouraged and I say FUCK IT and grab the ice cream. Cue violins. 6 months later, Im fatter than ever and more depressed. stop violins. This shit must end. So when I started making gradual changes in October, I told myself that I wouldnt do this to myself again. By November, I was hitting the gym 5 times a week, had my diet under control and was watching the scale move in the direction I wanted to.
I allowed myself to get sucked into a "weight loss challenge" and I figured it would help motivate me. WTF was I thinking? I started the challenge Sunday and I have lost my mind since then. It's like putting strict expectations on my losing has caused my motivation to leave me.
I have totally set myself back. Somewhere in my head, knowing that I didnt have any short term goals in mind allowed me to take it one day at a time, one week at a time. Knowing that I wasnt gaining week over week was good enough and losing was a bonus. Now, knowing that to win this challenge I must lose every week has kind of snapped something in my head.
I am losing it and I must find it.
**Picks ball up**
Thanks for listening.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
Staying Motivated
I have been sick for the last 21 days and for these 21 days I have given myself every excuse my brain could think of (and believe me, I'm a writer by profession, so there were plenty) to eat what I wanted. I have still managed to drop another 2lbs bringing my grand total to 25lbs lost and my weight down to 282lbs (YAY ME!!)
But I can't help but think of how much more I could've lost had I stuck to my plan. Another day. Another fresh start.
But it's hard to stay motivated. I actually enjoy eating healthier (it gives me a sense of pride to fill my body with things that I know will keep it healthier) and I love to exercise (its my break from my kids/life/stressors/etc) but sometimes, I just want to take a break from it all. It takes so much EFFORT.
I know what it is, and I am glad to say that even THAT is more under control since I have been getting more sleep and eating better and exercising. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 17 and I have struggled with it my whole life.
Since I have been sleeping better and eating better and exercising, the drastic mood swings have been more under control, which is absolutely AWESOME. But I know that when I start feeling "funky" its because the swings are creeping back up on me.
Makes it hard to stay motivated.
But I guess my "25" will keep me motivated. I'll get back into the swing of things. And every week I dont gain is a week that I am WINNING.
Thanks for listening.
But I can't help but think of how much more I could've lost had I stuck to my plan. Another day. Another fresh start.
But it's hard to stay motivated. I actually enjoy eating healthier (it gives me a sense of pride to fill my body with things that I know will keep it healthier) and I love to exercise (its my break from my kids/life/stressors/etc) but sometimes, I just want to take a break from it all. It takes so much EFFORT.
I know what it is, and I am glad to say that even THAT is more under control since I have been getting more sleep and eating better and exercising. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 17 and I have struggled with it my whole life.
Since I have been sleeping better and eating better and exercising, the drastic mood swings have been more under control, which is absolutely AWESOME. But I know that when I start feeling "funky" its because the swings are creeping back up on me.
Makes it hard to stay motivated.
But I guess my "25" will keep me motivated. I'll get back into the swing of things. And every week I dont gain is a week that I am WINNING.
Thanks for listening.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Hiding
So I'm pretty good at hiding when I'm ashamed of myself. And I am ashamed of myself. My last valid weigh in showed me at 286. I have had bronchitis and sinusitis and pneumonia and I have used these as an excuse to pig out.
My official excuse was that I need some "comfort". And because I could not breathe properly, I couldn't work out the way I needed to. So for 10 days, I only had 1 good, sweaty workout and the other 4 workouts were just fluff. Just so that I could say that I moved my fat body for 30 minutes.
I am rather disgusted by myself and my recent behavior. So I have been hiding. Hiding from myself and from my blog.
Shame on me.
Ok, so I wasn't going to say it, but I weighed myself today (after I pigged out again) and I was 289. Ugh.
Ok, I am going to run away now. Feeling my motivation drain away. I've gained 5lbs. I hate when this happens. And I'm still sick.
I guess this is an update.
My official excuse was that I need some "comfort". And because I could not breathe properly, I couldn't work out the way I needed to. So for 10 days, I only had 1 good, sweaty workout and the other 4 workouts were just fluff. Just so that I could say that I moved my fat body for 30 minutes.
I am rather disgusted by myself and my recent behavior. So I have been hiding. Hiding from myself and from my blog.
Shame on me.
Ok, so I wasn't going to say it, but I weighed myself today (after I pigged out again) and I was 289. Ugh.
Ok, I am going to run away now. Feeling my motivation drain away. I've gained 5lbs. I hate when this happens. And I'm still sick.
I guess this is an update.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Hangs Head in Shame: Update
So maybe I've been hiding from myself. I definitely have been hiding from my scale. The holidays always do something to me, and that something is always negative. I didn't feel the spirit this year, I just felt the stress of it. I couldn't snap out of it.
I came down with the flu (I'm acutally still recovering from it, YUCK) and I just haven't been keeping a strict regiment anymore. I have watched my scale go back up to 290 and I have watched it dip to my morning weight of 284.6. I should be through the roof, but I am kind of feeling down about it.
I know that this weight loss thingy is a long journey, but I LOATHE watching the scale creep its way down. Seems like it flies up and floats down and that irritates me.
But, one step at a time. One foot in front of the other. One bite at a time, one minute at a time.
I guess we all get discouraged. I see that I have dropped 2 sizes (from a *GASP* 22 to an 18) and I get happy. I see the changes in my face, my body, my energy level. I'm walking with more confidence and I feel lighter and happier. 23lbs is nothing to sneeze at, but I would love for that 23 to turn into 123 so that I can be done. I think I'm just venting (again) and I'm feeling kind of yucky. I'll snap out of it eventually.
Thanks for listening.
I came down with the flu (I'm acutally still recovering from it, YUCK) and I just haven't been keeping a strict regiment anymore. I have watched my scale go back up to 290 and I have watched it dip to my morning weight of 284.6. I should be through the roof, but I am kind of feeling down about it.
I know that this weight loss thingy is a long journey, but I LOATHE watching the scale creep its way down. Seems like it flies up and floats down and that irritates me.
But, one step at a time. One foot in front of the other. One bite at a time, one minute at a time.
I guess we all get discouraged. I see that I have dropped 2 sizes (from a *GASP* 22 to an 18) and I get happy. I see the changes in my face, my body, my energy level. I'm walking with more confidence and I feel lighter and happier. 23lbs is nothing to sneeze at, but I would love for that 23 to turn into 123 so that I can be done. I think I'm just venting (again) and I'm feeling kind of yucky. I'll snap out of it eventually.
Thanks for listening.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Hit a Road Block, Plus Weight Update
I have been working out a little harder, not always hitting an hour a day but close to it and I have been abiding by my diet plan almost totally. I had a weird last 2 days of eating fast food, but my weight in this morning showed that I was down to 287.8lbs, which means that I have hit the 20lb mark!! (yay me!!)
But instead of being ecstatic about it, I went and got a burger and have been in a very big FUNK all day. I can't seem to snap out of it and its affecting my motivation to stay on plan. this morning it was a struggle to go to the gym and work out and I was feeling very lazy the whole time (still did 30 mins of cardio and some ab work) and i had McDonald's today. I know that I should take this one day at a time and not worry too much about falling off plan for a day or so and I'm still losing and I can hop back on the weight loss train tomorrow, but it's kind of a hard funk to snap.
So I guess it's YAY for the 20lb mark and **HUGS** for the funky mood.
I guess the stress is just getting to me.
Thanks for reading.
Back on plan tomorrow.
But instead of being ecstatic about it, I went and got a burger and have been in a very big FUNK all day. I can't seem to snap out of it and its affecting my motivation to stay on plan. this morning it was a struggle to go to the gym and work out and I was feeling very lazy the whole time (still did 30 mins of cardio and some ab work) and i had McDonald's today. I know that I should take this one day at a time and not worry too much about falling off plan for a day or so and I'm still losing and I can hop back on the weight loss train tomorrow, but it's kind of a hard funk to snap.
So I guess it's YAY for the 20lb mark and **HUGS** for the funky mood.
I guess the stress is just getting to me.
Thanks for reading.
Back on plan tomorrow.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Sunday Update!!
I said I was going to up my exercise to 60 mins a day, 5 days a week and this morning was the first time I did it. I did 60 mins on the treadmill and even though I was pretty sure I was gonna die a few times, I finished my workout at 63 mins, 700+ cals burned and 3+ miles...I'm very happy with that!
And I was very happy with my weigh in this morning! Before my workout, I weighed in at 292.2lbs and after my workout (before my shower, TMI, I know) I weighed in at 291lbs! So, for the week, I lost 3lbs and that was WITH aunt flo making her visit this week. I wanted to dance on the scale, but I was scared I would break it lol
All in all, a very productive week. I was afraid of it being unproductive due the massive amount of carbs I consumed towards the end of the week, but I'm glad it ended the way it did.
Usually by now, I would've given up, but its been about 2 months and I'm down 16lbs and I'm still going strong.
I've been taking it one day at a time, one week at a time, telling myself that staying even means I maintained my weight loss and a loss means I'm headed in the right direction. I'm afraid of setting any mini goals because I always put too much pressure on myself and I get discouraged and I quit. I don't want this to be an "all or nothing" type thing. I want to continue to make changes in my diet (speaking of which, I haven't had any juice or soda in quite a few days besides a Coke slip up on friday) and keep up with the exercising (even though I was near death yesterday, I still considered popping in a dvd and walking a bit, I think I'm addicted, which is freaking AWESOME) and keep on working slowly to the right direction.
I kinda hate that it's slow, but hey, it could be nothing. it could be stagnant. I could still be 307lbs and miserable.
Feeling awesome.
Feeling pretty darn awesome.
thanks for reading.
And I was very happy with my weigh in this morning! Before my workout, I weighed in at 292.2lbs and after my workout (before my shower, TMI, I know) I weighed in at 291lbs! So, for the week, I lost 3lbs and that was WITH aunt flo making her visit this week. I wanted to dance on the scale, but I was scared I would break it lol
All in all, a very productive week. I was afraid of it being unproductive due the massive amount of carbs I consumed towards the end of the week, but I'm glad it ended the way it did.
Usually by now, I would've given up, but its been about 2 months and I'm down 16lbs and I'm still going strong.
I've been taking it one day at a time, one week at a time, telling myself that staying even means I maintained my weight loss and a loss means I'm headed in the right direction. I'm afraid of setting any mini goals because I always put too much pressure on myself and I get discouraged and I quit. I don't want this to be an "all or nothing" type thing. I want to continue to make changes in my diet (speaking of which, I haven't had any juice or soda in quite a few days besides a Coke slip up on friday) and keep up with the exercising (even though I was near death yesterday, I still considered popping in a dvd and walking a bit, I think I'm addicted, which is freaking AWESOME) and keep on working slowly to the right direction.
I kinda hate that it's slow, but hey, it could be nothing. it could be stagnant. I could still be 307lbs and miserable.
Feeling awesome.
Feeling pretty darn awesome.
thanks for reading.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Just Thoughts
Have been a little under the weather the last two days. I actually spent all day in bed today, a combination of Mother Nature's Monthly Debilitating Cramps and a small touch of the flu. Needless to say, I was beyond miserable all day.
Diet jumped out the window and took exercise with it. (darn those suicide twins!)
Totally pigged out last night and today I barely had an appetite and just ate whatever I could for strength. Scared to see what the scale will tell me for the week. I've been taking easy workouts all week because of my horrible timing; I've been getting to the gym late everyday so my workouts were short (25-35 mins)
Ugh.
But the good news is that I worked out everyday from Sunday to Thursday, so I still got my 5 workouts in for the week. Food was ok, not great, but not horrible either. Kinda scared, but looking forward to tomorrow's weigh in to see where I end up for the week.
Started last sunday at 294 and I'll be happy to still be there. My low for the week was 291.8, but I'm sure that was a fluke. I'm hoping for 293, but I'll be happy with 294. only a few more hours before I can get my results.
I totally despise how my period can throw me off-kilter for a few days. The mood swings were in rare form this month and the cramps are freaking outstanding. The good thing is that my periods have finally started to even out, but the horrible thing is that I get them. In a perfect world, my periods would just disappear without the arrival of a new little parasite to suck out my life's blood and drive me crazy internally for 9 months and externally for 50+ years...
I guess this is kind of a rant.
Maybe.
Just a bit.
Back on it tomorrow. I am going to up my exercise to 1 hour minimum each day for starters. Time to kick it up a notch.
Got really excited today because my belly was noticeably smaller when I laid on my side. I had my hand on my stomach while laying on my side and I rubbed down and my hand stopped about 1.5in shorter than I expected it to. It's funny the things that make you happy when you're losing weight.
Thanks for reading.
Diet jumped out the window and took exercise with it. (darn those suicide twins!)
Totally pigged out last night and today I barely had an appetite and just ate whatever I could for strength. Scared to see what the scale will tell me for the week. I've been taking easy workouts all week because of my horrible timing; I've been getting to the gym late everyday so my workouts were short (25-35 mins)
Ugh.
But the good news is that I worked out everyday from Sunday to Thursday, so I still got my 5 workouts in for the week. Food was ok, not great, but not horrible either. Kinda scared, but looking forward to tomorrow's weigh in to see where I end up for the week.
Started last sunday at 294 and I'll be happy to still be there. My low for the week was 291.8, but I'm sure that was a fluke. I'm hoping for 293, but I'll be happy with 294. only a few more hours before I can get my results.
I totally despise how my period can throw me off-kilter for a few days. The mood swings were in rare form this month and the cramps are freaking outstanding. The good thing is that my periods have finally started to even out, but the horrible thing is that I get them. In a perfect world, my periods would just disappear without the arrival of a new little parasite to suck out my life's blood and drive me crazy internally for 9 months and externally for 50+ years...
I guess this is kind of a rant.
Maybe.
Just a bit.
Back on it tomorrow. I am going to up my exercise to 1 hour minimum each day for starters. Time to kick it up a notch.
Got really excited today because my belly was noticeably smaller when I laid on my side. I had my hand on my stomach while laying on my side and I rubbed down and my hand stopped about 1.5in shorter than I expected it to. It's funny the things that make you happy when you're losing weight.
Thanks for reading.
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