I am watching "My 600lb Life" and I am crying. I don't cry easily. Ok, that's not the truth: I don't cry easily unless it has to do with people suffering.
I can watch a puppy get strangled and I am like "oh, that sucks" but if I see a child looking sad or hear them say: "I'm so hungry" it breaks my heart.
I am watching this morbidly obese man lose weight at a ridiculous pace just to fall into a coma a short while later. 300lbs lost (which is an awesome feat, no matter how it was done) and he gets sick and falls into a coma. It broke my heart and turned on the faucets behind my eyes. Human suffering is a weakness of mine as I am filled with empathy for everyone. I have been through so many situations that many hardships are not lost on me because I have felt them some way: I have been hungry, poor, sick, scared, lonely, watched loved ones die, had anger so bad I thought I would kill someone, been so depressed I tried to kill myself and many other situations. The result is a person who is a sucker for a sob story and I cry with people. And I cry for them. I work with people everyday and I have cried with them and I prayed for them and I have felt my heart wrench at their stories.
I try to help, I always help, but sometimes, like today, I am helpless. I am watching this man die and I can do nothing to stop it. It makes me feel so small in such a big world.
It almost feels like I take other's pain and make it my own. For a person like me, social work or services seems like a perfect job, but the stress would kill me in no time. It's only so much crying and heart breaking you can do and feel before your heart finally decides not to repair itself.
And it makes me tired. All this feeling exhausts me and I sometimes feel like I have nothing left for my own family when I get home. I have nothing for myself. Ever.
That is why my weight loss was once so important to me: it felt like I was finally feeling for myself. It felt good. Now, not so much. I feel drained. And tired. And the thought of losing weight drains me so much that I just sit there and I am not sure where to go from this point. My last weigh in was 285 a few days ago. I'm not sure where I am now or what I will be doing. I know I must get back to it, it just seems so hard.
Thanks for listening.
