I have been working out a little harder, not always hitting an hour a day but close to it and I have been abiding by my diet plan almost totally. I had a weird last 2 days of eating fast food, but my weight in this morning showed that I was down to 287.8lbs, which means that I have hit the 20lb mark!! (yay me!!)
But instead of being ecstatic about it, I went and got a burger and have been in a very big FUNK all day. I can't seem to snap out of it and its affecting my motivation to stay on plan. this morning it was a struggle to go to the gym and work out and I was feeling very lazy the whole time (still did 30 mins of cardio and some ab work) and i had McDonald's today. I know that I should take this one day at a time and not worry too much about falling off plan for a day or so and I'm still losing and I can hop back on the weight loss train tomorrow, but it's kind of a hard funk to snap.
So I guess it's YAY for the 20lb mark and **HUGS** for the funky mood.
I guess the stress is just getting to me.
Thanks for reading.
Back on plan tomorrow.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Sunday Update!!
I said I was going to up my exercise to 60 mins a day, 5 days a week and this morning was the first time I did it. I did 60 mins on the treadmill and even though I was pretty sure I was gonna die a few times, I finished my workout at 63 mins, 700+ cals burned and 3+ miles...I'm very happy with that!
And I was very happy with my weigh in this morning! Before my workout, I weighed in at 292.2lbs and after my workout (before my shower, TMI, I know) I weighed in at 291lbs! So, for the week, I lost 3lbs and that was WITH aunt flo making her visit this week. I wanted to dance on the scale, but I was scared I would break it lol
All in all, a very productive week. I was afraid of it being unproductive due the massive amount of carbs I consumed towards the end of the week, but I'm glad it ended the way it did.
Usually by now, I would've given up, but its been about 2 months and I'm down 16lbs and I'm still going strong.
I've been taking it one day at a time, one week at a time, telling myself that staying even means I maintained my weight loss and a loss means I'm headed in the right direction. I'm afraid of setting any mini goals because I always put too much pressure on myself and I get discouraged and I quit. I don't want this to be an "all or nothing" type thing. I want to continue to make changes in my diet (speaking of which, I haven't had any juice or soda in quite a few days besides a Coke slip up on friday) and keep up with the exercising (even though I was near death yesterday, I still considered popping in a dvd and walking a bit, I think I'm addicted, which is freaking AWESOME) and keep on working slowly to the right direction.
I kinda hate that it's slow, but hey, it could be nothing. it could be stagnant. I could still be 307lbs and miserable.
Feeling awesome.
Feeling pretty darn awesome.
thanks for reading.
And I was very happy with my weigh in this morning! Before my workout, I weighed in at 292.2lbs and after my workout (before my shower, TMI, I know) I weighed in at 291lbs! So, for the week, I lost 3lbs and that was WITH aunt flo making her visit this week. I wanted to dance on the scale, but I was scared I would break it lol
All in all, a very productive week. I was afraid of it being unproductive due the massive amount of carbs I consumed towards the end of the week, but I'm glad it ended the way it did.
Usually by now, I would've given up, but its been about 2 months and I'm down 16lbs and I'm still going strong.
I've been taking it one day at a time, one week at a time, telling myself that staying even means I maintained my weight loss and a loss means I'm headed in the right direction. I'm afraid of setting any mini goals because I always put too much pressure on myself and I get discouraged and I quit. I don't want this to be an "all or nothing" type thing. I want to continue to make changes in my diet (speaking of which, I haven't had any juice or soda in quite a few days besides a Coke slip up on friday) and keep up with the exercising (even though I was near death yesterday, I still considered popping in a dvd and walking a bit, I think I'm addicted, which is freaking AWESOME) and keep on working slowly to the right direction.
I kinda hate that it's slow, but hey, it could be nothing. it could be stagnant. I could still be 307lbs and miserable.
Feeling awesome.
Feeling pretty darn awesome.
thanks for reading.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Just Thoughts
Have been a little under the weather the last two days. I actually spent all day in bed today, a combination of Mother Nature's Monthly Debilitating Cramps and a small touch of the flu. Needless to say, I was beyond miserable all day.
Diet jumped out the window and took exercise with it. (darn those suicide twins!)
Totally pigged out last night and today I barely had an appetite and just ate whatever I could for strength. Scared to see what the scale will tell me for the week. I've been taking easy workouts all week because of my horrible timing; I've been getting to the gym late everyday so my workouts were short (25-35 mins)
Ugh.
But the good news is that I worked out everyday from Sunday to Thursday, so I still got my 5 workouts in for the week. Food was ok, not great, but not horrible either. Kinda scared, but looking forward to tomorrow's weigh in to see where I end up for the week.
Started last sunday at 294 and I'll be happy to still be there. My low for the week was 291.8, but I'm sure that was a fluke. I'm hoping for 293, but I'll be happy with 294. only a few more hours before I can get my results.
I totally despise how my period can throw me off-kilter for a few days. The mood swings were in rare form this month and the cramps are freaking outstanding. The good thing is that my periods have finally started to even out, but the horrible thing is that I get them. In a perfect world, my periods would just disappear without the arrival of a new little parasite to suck out my life's blood and drive me crazy internally for 9 months and externally for 50+ years...
I guess this is kind of a rant.
Maybe.
Just a bit.
Back on it tomorrow. I am going to up my exercise to 1 hour minimum each day for starters. Time to kick it up a notch.
Got really excited today because my belly was noticeably smaller when I laid on my side. I had my hand on my stomach while laying on my side and I rubbed down and my hand stopped about 1.5in shorter than I expected it to. It's funny the things that make you happy when you're losing weight.
Thanks for reading.
Diet jumped out the window and took exercise with it. (darn those suicide twins!)
Totally pigged out last night and today I barely had an appetite and just ate whatever I could for strength. Scared to see what the scale will tell me for the week. I've been taking easy workouts all week because of my horrible timing; I've been getting to the gym late everyday so my workouts were short (25-35 mins)
Ugh.
But the good news is that I worked out everyday from Sunday to Thursday, so I still got my 5 workouts in for the week. Food was ok, not great, but not horrible either. Kinda scared, but looking forward to tomorrow's weigh in to see where I end up for the week.
Started last sunday at 294 and I'll be happy to still be there. My low for the week was 291.8, but I'm sure that was a fluke. I'm hoping for 293, but I'll be happy with 294. only a few more hours before I can get my results.
I totally despise how my period can throw me off-kilter for a few days. The mood swings were in rare form this month and the cramps are freaking outstanding. The good thing is that my periods have finally started to even out, but the horrible thing is that I get them. In a perfect world, my periods would just disappear without the arrival of a new little parasite to suck out my life's blood and drive me crazy internally for 9 months and externally for 50+ years...
I guess this is kind of a rant.
Maybe.
Just a bit.
Back on it tomorrow. I am going to up my exercise to 1 hour minimum each day for starters. Time to kick it up a notch.
Got really excited today because my belly was noticeably smaller when I laid on my side. I had my hand on my stomach while laying on my side and I rubbed down and my hand stopped about 1.5in shorter than I expected it to. It's funny the things that make you happy when you're losing weight.
Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Feeling Very Strange
Warning: This is gonna look suspiciously like a complaint post, but it's not. (really it's not, HONEST)
So, since I've started this journey (I hate that word, but it really is the most appropriate one) at the end of October, I have lost 15lbs. I went from 307 down to 292 (as of this morning's weigh in). What's so strange is that this no longer feels like a major adjustment; I feel naked if I don't work out every day, I feel bad if I eat greasy, fattening food and I feel weak/tired/sick if I don't get my day 2 liters of water. Could it be, GASP, that my lifestyle has changed?!
For me, the 15 lbs in 2 months doesn't feel like it was enough, but, being honest with myself, I know that I wasn't "on it" the entire time and the weight that I have lost has been from hard work and me staying on plan.
My problem now is (ugh, here's my honesty moment) I miss eating bad stuff and being lazy...It really grinds my gears when I start to feel antsy because I skipped a workout, but sometimes I need the rest. I haven't been sleeping well, (nightmares, but that's for another blog) and I am dead tired in the mornings, but my internal clock wakes me at 530 for my am workout. No matter how hard I try to go back to sleep, I'm awake and the best I can do it lay there, while my brain makes me feel bad for not being on the way to the gym. And I want to eat something salty. ANYTHING salty. My husband offered me a french fry, but because I haven't had salt in so long, the saltiness was unbearable (but delicious, that's strange).
Does this happen to everyone? Will I forever feel guilty for a piece of cake? Will my legs run when the rest of my body wants to sleep? I like the fact that the transition from sedentary and gluttonous to active and healthy has been a smooth, almost easy one, but I kinda miss being a lard ass
Honest Moment Over
Looking forward to celebrating my first 25 off...10 more to go.
So, since I've started this journey (I hate that word, but it really is the most appropriate one) at the end of October, I have lost 15lbs. I went from 307 down to 292 (as of this morning's weigh in). What's so strange is that this no longer feels like a major adjustment; I feel naked if I don't work out every day, I feel bad if I eat greasy, fattening food and I feel weak/tired/sick if I don't get my day 2 liters of water. Could it be, GASP, that my lifestyle has changed?!
For me, the 15 lbs in 2 months doesn't feel like it was enough, but, being honest with myself, I know that I wasn't "on it" the entire time and the weight that I have lost has been from hard work and me staying on plan.
My problem now is (ugh, here's my honesty moment) I miss eating bad stuff and being lazy...It really grinds my gears when I start to feel antsy because I skipped a workout, but sometimes I need the rest. I haven't been sleeping well, (nightmares, but that's for another blog) and I am dead tired in the mornings, but my internal clock wakes me at 530 for my am workout. No matter how hard I try to go back to sleep, I'm awake and the best I can do it lay there, while my brain makes me feel bad for not being on the way to the gym. And I want to eat something salty. ANYTHING salty. My husband offered me a french fry, but because I haven't had salt in so long, the saltiness was unbearable (but delicious, that's strange).
Does this happen to everyone? Will I forever feel guilty for a piece of cake? Will my legs run when the rest of my body wants to sleep? I like the fact that the transition from sedentary and gluttonous to active and healthy has been a smooth, almost easy one, but I kinda miss being a lard ass
Honest Moment Over
Looking forward to celebrating my first 25 off...10 more to go.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Food Rewards
I was hovering around 295 since Thanksgiving and getting discouraged and angry and depressed. I went to IHOP last night and pigged out to make myself feel better (yeah, i know, horrible choice) and then I got on the scale today and I was 294
GTfreakOH!!!
So I broke my plateau and what was my first response?
I wanted to eat a Checker burger.
I purposely drove around so that I wouldn't have to drive past one because I didn't trust myself to not get in the drive thru and get myself a burger. Then my husband called and asked if I was hungry. "NOPE!! but I want a burger" is what I wanted to say, but I just calmly explained to him that I was trying to get past a craving and I didn't need any food.
I ate a powerbar and some apple slices with my evening cleanse regimen pills and lots of water.
I still want that darn burger though.
This is part of my cycle: I lose a few pounds and I want to reward myself and I go get something greasy and delicious and then get angry at myself for eating it and then the scale goes up the next day and then I go on an eating binge for a few days and then I get depressed about gaining more weight and then I stop all attempts at weight loss.
I'm so proud of myself for keeping myself on track through this plateau of mine (I'm calling it a plateau, but I don't think it truly was, but I lack a better word) and I don't want to descend into another bad cycle. To set myself back anymore than I already have.
But how do I break the cycle of rewarding myself with food? I think I will give myself other rewards. I have been FEENING for some sexy black or red heels and I might just treat myself to those after I get under 280...And there are a few tats that I want, so I will start planning those. I am most excited about a tat that says "dork" on my shoulder or ribcage and a wrist tat that says "i love musyc".
No more food rewards.
I still want that darn burger though.
Thanks for listening.
Pressing "post" without any hesistation.
GTfreakOH!!!
So I broke my plateau and what was my first response?
I wanted to eat a Checker burger.
I purposely drove around so that I wouldn't have to drive past one because I didn't trust myself to not get in the drive thru and get myself a burger. Then my husband called and asked if I was hungry. "NOPE!! but I want a burger" is what I wanted to say, but I just calmly explained to him that I was trying to get past a craving and I didn't need any food.
I ate a powerbar and some apple slices with my evening cleanse regimen pills and lots of water.
I still want that darn burger though.
This is part of my cycle: I lose a few pounds and I want to reward myself and I go get something greasy and delicious and then get angry at myself for eating it and then the scale goes up the next day and then I go on an eating binge for a few days and then I get depressed about gaining more weight and then I stop all attempts at weight loss.
I'm so proud of myself for keeping myself on track through this plateau of mine (I'm calling it a plateau, but I don't think it truly was, but I lack a better word) and I don't want to descend into another bad cycle. To set myself back anymore than I already have.
But how do I break the cycle of rewarding myself with food? I think I will give myself other rewards. I have been FEENING for some sexy black or red heels and I might just treat myself to those after I get under 280...And there are a few tats that I want, so I will start planning those. I am most excited about a tat that says "dork" on my shoulder or ribcage and a wrist tat that says "i love musyc".
No more food rewards.
I still want that darn burger though.
Thanks for listening.
Pressing "post" without any hesistation.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Tough Spot
Over the last 2 years, my marriage hit quite a few tough spots. Me, being the internist that I am, I blamed my weight. I figured that if I could be thinner and prettier, my marriage problems would magically disappear. (I hope that I am not the only person who believed that, that would make me feel really stupid and very lonely.)
I've always felt really lucky that my husband is such a loving, supportive, wonderful man that looked past my ridiculous weight problem and continued to love and support me fully.
Then, during a conversation, he told me that my weight bothered him a little bit and affected some of our day-to-day interactions (translation: sex) and I threw myself into a frenzy of failed weight loss attempts, with me coming out heavier each time.
Now that I've spent the last month changing a lot of habits and exercising and cutting back on calories and feeling better about myself, I am starting to see results. People have told me I look like I've lost a few, my sister told me my butt has risen and thighs are smaller and my mil told me that she's proud of me, so I am feeling really awesome and then the bombshell drops:
hubby tells me he wants me to stay home more often.
I tell him, politely, that I need to go to the gym at least 5 times a week to keep a good weight loss trend going. He tells me he doesn't want me to lose too much, that my thighs are just fine, that I can use the treadmill at home, that I don't need to leave the house so much, etc...
WHAT??!!!!
I'm losing this weight for me! for him! for my kids! for myself!
I'm thinking that he will support me through it, cuz he gets a HOT wife afterwards, but NO! He's much less supportive and when I call him on it, he's nonchalant about it. It makes me feel guilty when I want to go to the gym to workout. He offers me "fat foods" and I feel bad for not eating them. We used to have fun eating together, but I was the one gaining a million pounds. He told me he lost his eating buddy. I tell him I gained a whole person.
I feel bad. I feel horrible. And confused. And I don't like confusion. I guess maybe he feels threatened by my boost of confidence or my changing body. I used to turn heads everywhere I went and had to beat guys off with a stick (those were the days! lol) and maybe he's feeling a little "weird" about me getting back to that kind of body... (crosses fingers on that)
Just hit a tough spot, and I guess I wanted to get it off my chest.
I've always felt really lucky that my husband is such a loving, supportive, wonderful man that looked past my ridiculous weight problem and continued to love and support me fully.
Then, during a conversation, he told me that my weight bothered him a little bit and affected some of our day-to-day interactions (translation: sex) and I threw myself into a frenzy of failed weight loss attempts, with me coming out heavier each time.
Now that I've spent the last month changing a lot of habits and exercising and cutting back on calories and feeling better about myself, I am starting to see results. People have told me I look like I've lost a few, my sister told me my butt has risen and thighs are smaller and my mil told me that she's proud of me, so I am feeling really awesome and then the bombshell drops:
hubby tells me he wants me to stay home more often.
I tell him, politely, that I need to go to the gym at least 5 times a week to keep a good weight loss trend going. He tells me he doesn't want me to lose too much, that my thighs are just fine, that I can use the treadmill at home, that I don't need to leave the house so much, etc...
WHAT??!!!!
I'm losing this weight for me! for him! for my kids! for myself!
I'm thinking that he will support me through it, cuz he gets a HOT wife afterwards, but NO! He's much less supportive and when I call him on it, he's nonchalant about it. It makes me feel guilty when I want to go to the gym to workout. He offers me "fat foods" and I feel bad for not eating them. We used to have fun eating together, but I was the one gaining a million pounds. He told me he lost his eating buddy. I tell him I gained a whole person.
I feel bad. I feel horrible. And confused. And I don't like confusion. I guess maybe he feels threatened by my boost of confidence or my changing body. I used to turn heads everywhere I went and had to beat guys off with a stick (those were the days! lol) and maybe he's feeling a little "weird" about me getting back to that kind of body... (crosses fingers on that)
Just hit a tough spot, and I guess I wanted to get it off my chest.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Gaining to Lose
Coming here is always so hard and so refreshing; I feel like I'm helping, but I also am holding myself accountable. With that being said, I gained. I am cringing at the thought of putting my weight on here for everyone to see (ugh, the thought of it actually makes me nauseous), but I must continue on the path of total honesty: I got down to 293 from 307, but I gained myself back to 302, now I'm down to 297 again...that's a whole lot of up and down. But that's always typical with me: I lose, then I tell myself that I did so good, I deserve an ice cream, or cookie, or burger or whatever else, then I take a few days and pig out, then I get on the scale and I'm like: WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF?! then I grab another burger and gain a few more...this time though, I believe that I have broken the cycle: I gained and I bitch-slapped myself and I'm losing again. It's nothing like seeing the scale go back over 300 to get you back going.
I'm feeling strong and motivated (I usually do, after a workout, and I left the gym not too long ago), and I hope I can maintain this. I keep thinking that if I would've just kept losing, instead of gaining to lose again, I would've been out of the 290's by now. smh.
I used to sabotage myself, now I am going to be the key to my own success. I have never been able to keep at it this long and I am sure that I will make it through this time.
I'm not sure what actually triggered my current bout of weight loss, possibly my doc saying gastric bypass or my family worrying about me or problems in my marriage or me just wanting to wear heels, but I know that I looked in the mirror for a good, long time a few weeks ago and I was shocked, appalled, disgusted and angry. Shocked at the person I saw because I felt like I didn't know them, even though it was me. Appalled that I had never seen myself in that light before. Disgusted at the rolls and lumps and fat hanging off me. And angry at myself for letting it get so bad. For letting myself go that far. For giving up on myself and allowing food and laziness destroy my body.
No more gaining to lose for me. Just losing this time.
Posting this one isn't as hard as the last ones. I hope it continues to be easier. Thanks for taking the trip with me.
I'm feeling strong and motivated (I usually do, after a workout, and I left the gym not too long ago), and I hope I can maintain this. I keep thinking that if I would've just kept losing, instead of gaining to lose again, I would've been out of the 290's by now. smh.
I used to sabotage myself, now I am going to be the key to my own success. I have never been able to keep at it this long and I am sure that I will make it through this time.
I'm not sure what actually triggered my current bout of weight loss, possibly my doc saying gastric bypass or my family worrying about me or problems in my marriage or me just wanting to wear heels, but I know that I looked in the mirror for a good, long time a few weeks ago and I was shocked, appalled, disgusted and angry. Shocked at the person I saw because I felt like I didn't know them, even though it was me. Appalled that I had never seen myself in that light before. Disgusted at the rolls and lumps and fat hanging off me. And angry at myself for letting it get so bad. For letting myself go that far. For giving up on myself and allowing food and laziness destroy my body.
No more gaining to lose for me. Just losing this time.
Posting this one isn't as hard as the last ones. I hope it continues to be easier. Thanks for taking the trip with me.
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