I have approached this birthday with much apprehension and trepidation. Besides turning a year older, I have been kinda peeping at the 30th, waiting for it come and go so that I can move beyond it.
But I am FEELING these 27 yrs. I am still young, but my body is not responding well to these extra 120lbs I have tacked onto it and made it carry for all these years. I am, of course, finally doing something about it, but it's a "slow go" and I hate the way my scale creeps lower at its own pace. And sometimes creeps up. This week, like the last one, was a creep up. I am 285 today on my birthday and I am NOT happy about it. I wanted to weigh in at 279 or lower and I have missed that goal by 6lbs and feeling kind of bummed. Add that to some personal troubles I am having, I am just NOT in the birthday spirit.
And I always feel like I don't celebrate my birthday correctly. Most people my age get wasted and party and that is just not what I want to do. I feel too mature for the "get wasted and drunk dance on the table" type atmosphere. And my family is big on going out for "nice" dinners for birthdays, but I am tired of rewarding myself with food. My unhealthy relationship with food is what got me here and I don't want to do something to encourage it.
So what do I want to do for my birthday? I want to hit the gym and then dance sweaty in my boyshorts and tank top for my husband. TMI, but its MY blog and I can share what I want!! :-)
We are going to head out of town in a few days to Atlantic City and hit the casinos and spend some much needed time together.
Even though today has been kind of a bummer, I take solace in the fact that my next birthday will be spent taking millions of pictures at my goal weight.
I am blessed to have seen this day and I can't wait to spend many many many many more like it.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
I Am My Own Roadblock
I always wondered why dieters could explain to you exactly why their diets failed. Sometimes (most of the time) their explanations just didn't make any sense:
"My diet failed because it included too much ice cream"
(I actually laughed at the person who told me this, but, for the record, I would TOTALLY follow a scientifically proven ice cream diet)
And some explanations really hit home (even though they were hard to hear):
"I couldn't stick to my diet because I made it too hard for myself"
Wow. Read my mind much?
So far on this journey (I hate that term, so cliche, but it IS a journey for me, one that wont end. Ever.) I have lost 25lbs and I have lost 2 sizes (22 down to a 18) and I have finally reached a point where I simply MUST buy new clothes because my current ones fall off of me. I am getting compliments and inquiries from everyone (including my customers) and it's feeling pretty good.
But.
For the last 2 weeks I have totally lost my mind. I haven't been sticking to my diet (which, by the way, isnt a popular diet plan but a bunch of odds and ends taken from other plans with my own tweaking) and I haven't been adjusting my exercise to reflect my overage of calories. I have been hiding from the scale since Monday because I KNOW I have messed up and I am not willing to see how bad the damage is. I know that any weight on that scale will reflect the 4 days of excess sodium, not enough water, and extra poop retained due to a diet rich in pizza and pasta. (TMI, I know)
I havent been to the gym since Monday and I haven't been sticking to my 1hr workouts. I havent started my two a days (which I was supposed to start last week. Consists of 3 2x a day sessions of exercise, 45 mins of cardio and weight training and 30-45 mins of aerobic/yoga at 2 separate times a day).
I have totally dropped the ball. Its sitting in front of me on the floor and I am just staring at it. I have no desire to pick it back up. Because I have done the worst thing I could have possibly done for my weight loss:
I started a challenge.
Let me give you a little background:
Whenever I give myself a weight loss challenge, I always feel pressured and frantic and I lose all knowledge of healthy habits and I crash diet and I binge and I gain and lose and gain and lose and I gain. Notice how I didnt say "lose" after that last "gain". Then i get discouraged and I say FUCK IT and grab the ice cream. Cue violins. 6 months later, Im fatter than ever and more depressed. stop violins. This shit must end. So when I started making gradual changes in October, I told myself that I wouldnt do this to myself again. By November, I was hitting the gym 5 times a week, had my diet under control and was watching the scale move in the direction I wanted to.
I allowed myself to get sucked into a "weight loss challenge" and I figured it would help motivate me. WTF was I thinking? I started the challenge Sunday and I have lost my mind since then. It's like putting strict expectations on my losing has caused my motivation to leave me.
I have totally set myself back. Somewhere in my head, knowing that I didnt have any short term goals in mind allowed me to take it one day at a time, one week at a time. Knowing that I wasnt gaining week over week was good enough and losing was a bonus. Now, knowing that to win this challenge I must lose every week has kind of snapped something in my head.
I am losing it and I must find it.
**Picks ball up**
Thanks for listening.
"My diet failed because it included too much ice cream"
(I actually laughed at the person who told me this, but, for the record, I would TOTALLY follow a scientifically proven ice cream diet)
And some explanations really hit home (even though they were hard to hear):
"I couldn't stick to my diet because I made it too hard for myself"
Wow. Read my mind much?
So far on this journey (I hate that term, so cliche, but it IS a journey for me, one that wont end. Ever.) I have lost 25lbs and I have lost 2 sizes (22 down to a 18) and I have finally reached a point where I simply MUST buy new clothes because my current ones fall off of me. I am getting compliments and inquiries from everyone (including my customers) and it's feeling pretty good.
But.
For the last 2 weeks I have totally lost my mind. I haven't been sticking to my diet (which, by the way, isnt a popular diet plan but a bunch of odds and ends taken from other plans with my own tweaking) and I haven't been adjusting my exercise to reflect my overage of calories. I have been hiding from the scale since Monday because I KNOW I have messed up and I am not willing to see how bad the damage is. I know that any weight on that scale will reflect the 4 days of excess sodium, not enough water, and extra poop retained due to a diet rich in pizza and pasta. (TMI, I know)
I havent been to the gym since Monday and I haven't been sticking to my 1hr workouts. I havent started my two a days (which I was supposed to start last week. Consists of 3 2x a day sessions of exercise, 45 mins of cardio and weight training and 30-45 mins of aerobic/yoga at 2 separate times a day).
I have totally dropped the ball. Its sitting in front of me on the floor and I am just staring at it. I have no desire to pick it back up. Because I have done the worst thing I could have possibly done for my weight loss:
I started a challenge.
Let me give you a little background:
Whenever I give myself a weight loss challenge, I always feel pressured and frantic and I lose all knowledge of healthy habits and I crash diet and I binge and I gain and lose and gain and lose and I gain. Notice how I didnt say "lose" after that last "gain". Then i get discouraged and I say FUCK IT and grab the ice cream. Cue violins. 6 months later, Im fatter than ever and more depressed. stop violins. This shit must end. So when I started making gradual changes in October, I told myself that I wouldnt do this to myself again. By November, I was hitting the gym 5 times a week, had my diet under control and was watching the scale move in the direction I wanted to.
I allowed myself to get sucked into a "weight loss challenge" and I figured it would help motivate me. WTF was I thinking? I started the challenge Sunday and I have lost my mind since then. It's like putting strict expectations on my losing has caused my motivation to leave me.
I have totally set myself back. Somewhere in my head, knowing that I didnt have any short term goals in mind allowed me to take it one day at a time, one week at a time. Knowing that I wasnt gaining week over week was good enough and losing was a bonus. Now, knowing that to win this challenge I must lose every week has kind of snapped something in my head.
I am losing it and I must find it.
**Picks ball up**
Thanks for listening.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Staying Motivated
I have been sick for the last 21 days and for these 21 days I have given myself every excuse my brain could think of (and believe me, I'm a writer by profession, so there were plenty) to eat what I wanted. I have still managed to drop another 2lbs bringing my grand total to 25lbs lost and my weight down to 282lbs (YAY ME!!)
But I can't help but think of how much more I could've lost had I stuck to my plan. Another day. Another fresh start.
But it's hard to stay motivated. I actually enjoy eating healthier (it gives me a sense of pride to fill my body with things that I know will keep it healthier) and I love to exercise (its my break from my kids/life/stressors/etc) but sometimes, I just want to take a break from it all. It takes so much EFFORT.
I know what it is, and I am glad to say that even THAT is more under control since I have been getting more sleep and eating better and exercising. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 17 and I have struggled with it my whole life.
Since I have been sleeping better and eating better and exercising, the drastic mood swings have been more under control, which is absolutely AWESOME. But I know that when I start feeling "funky" its because the swings are creeping back up on me.
Makes it hard to stay motivated.
But I guess my "25" will keep me motivated. I'll get back into the swing of things. And every week I dont gain is a week that I am WINNING.
Thanks for listening.
But I can't help but think of how much more I could've lost had I stuck to my plan. Another day. Another fresh start.
But it's hard to stay motivated. I actually enjoy eating healthier (it gives me a sense of pride to fill my body with things that I know will keep it healthier) and I love to exercise (its my break from my kids/life/stressors/etc) but sometimes, I just want to take a break from it all. It takes so much EFFORT.
I know what it is, and I am glad to say that even THAT is more under control since I have been getting more sleep and eating better and exercising. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 17 and I have struggled with it my whole life.
Since I have been sleeping better and eating better and exercising, the drastic mood swings have been more under control, which is absolutely AWESOME. But I know that when I start feeling "funky" its because the swings are creeping back up on me.
Makes it hard to stay motivated.
But I guess my "25" will keep me motivated. I'll get back into the swing of things. And every week I dont gain is a week that I am WINNING.
Thanks for listening.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Hiding
So I'm pretty good at hiding when I'm ashamed of myself. And I am ashamed of myself. My last valid weigh in showed me at 286. I have had bronchitis and sinusitis and pneumonia and I have used these as an excuse to pig out.
My official excuse was that I need some "comfort". And because I could not breathe properly, I couldn't work out the way I needed to. So for 10 days, I only had 1 good, sweaty workout and the other 4 workouts were just fluff. Just so that I could say that I moved my fat body for 30 minutes.
I am rather disgusted by myself and my recent behavior. So I have been hiding. Hiding from myself and from my blog.
Shame on me.
Ok, so I wasn't going to say it, but I weighed myself today (after I pigged out again) and I was 289. Ugh.
Ok, I am going to run away now. Feeling my motivation drain away. I've gained 5lbs. I hate when this happens. And I'm still sick.
I guess this is an update.
My official excuse was that I need some "comfort". And because I could not breathe properly, I couldn't work out the way I needed to. So for 10 days, I only had 1 good, sweaty workout and the other 4 workouts were just fluff. Just so that I could say that I moved my fat body for 30 minutes.
I am rather disgusted by myself and my recent behavior. So I have been hiding. Hiding from myself and from my blog.
Shame on me.
Ok, so I wasn't going to say it, but I weighed myself today (after I pigged out again) and I was 289. Ugh.
Ok, I am going to run away now. Feeling my motivation drain away. I've gained 5lbs. I hate when this happens. And I'm still sick.
I guess this is an update.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Hangs Head in Shame: Update
So maybe I've been hiding from myself. I definitely have been hiding from my scale. The holidays always do something to me, and that something is always negative. I didn't feel the spirit this year, I just felt the stress of it. I couldn't snap out of it.
I came down with the flu (I'm acutally still recovering from it, YUCK) and I just haven't been keeping a strict regiment anymore. I have watched my scale go back up to 290 and I have watched it dip to my morning weight of 284.6. I should be through the roof, but I am kind of feeling down about it.
I know that this weight loss thingy is a long journey, but I LOATHE watching the scale creep its way down. Seems like it flies up and floats down and that irritates me.
But, one step at a time. One foot in front of the other. One bite at a time, one minute at a time.
I guess we all get discouraged. I see that I have dropped 2 sizes (from a *GASP* 22 to an 18) and I get happy. I see the changes in my face, my body, my energy level. I'm walking with more confidence and I feel lighter and happier. 23lbs is nothing to sneeze at, but I would love for that 23 to turn into 123 so that I can be done. I think I'm just venting (again) and I'm feeling kind of yucky. I'll snap out of it eventually.
Thanks for listening.
I came down with the flu (I'm acutally still recovering from it, YUCK) and I just haven't been keeping a strict regiment anymore. I have watched my scale go back up to 290 and I have watched it dip to my morning weight of 284.6. I should be through the roof, but I am kind of feeling down about it.
I know that this weight loss thingy is a long journey, but I LOATHE watching the scale creep its way down. Seems like it flies up and floats down and that irritates me.
But, one step at a time. One foot in front of the other. One bite at a time, one minute at a time.
I guess we all get discouraged. I see that I have dropped 2 sizes (from a *GASP* 22 to an 18) and I get happy. I see the changes in my face, my body, my energy level. I'm walking with more confidence and I feel lighter and happier. 23lbs is nothing to sneeze at, but I would love for that 23 to turn into 123 so that I can be done. I think I'm just venting (again) and I'm feeling kind of yucky. I'll snap out of it eventually.
Thanks for listening.
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