I have been working out a little harder, not always hitting an hour a day but close to it and I have been abiding by my diet plan almost totally. I had a weird last 2 days of eating fast food, but my weight in this morning showed that I was down to 287.8lbs, which means that I have hit the 20lb mark!! (yay me!!)
But instead of being ecstatic about it, I went and got a burger and have been in a very big FUNK all day. I can't seem to snap out of it and its affecting my motivation to stay on plan. this morning it was a struggle to go to the gym and work out and I was feeling very lazy the whole time (still did 30 mins of cardio and some ab work) and i had McDonald's today. I know that I should take this one day at a time and not worry too much about falling off plan for a day or so and I'm still losing and I can hop back on the weight loss train tomorrow, but it's kind of a hard funk to snap.
So I guess it's YAY for the 20lb mark and **HUGS** for the funky mood.
I guess the stress is just getting to me.
Thanks for reading.
Back on plan tomorrow.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Sunday Update!!
I said I was going to up my exercise to 60 mins a day, 5 days a week and this morning was the first time I did it. I did 60 mins on the treadmill and even though I was pretty sure I was gonna die a few times, I finished my workout at 63 mins, 700+ cals burned and 3+ miles...I'm very happy with that!
And I was very happy with my weigh in this morning! Before my workout, I weighed in at 292.2lbs and after my workout (before my shower, TMI, I know) I weighed in at 291lbs! So, for the week, I lost 3lbs and that was WITH aunt flo making her visit this week. I wanted to dance on the scale, but I was scared I would break it lol
All in all, a very productive week. I was afraid of it being unproductive due the massive amount of carbs I consumed towards the end of the week, but I'm glad it ended the way it did.
Usually by now, I would've given up, but its been about 2 months and I'm down 16lbs and I'm still going strong.
I've been taking it one day at a time, one week at a time, telling myself that staying even means I maintained my weight loss and a loss means I'm headed in the right direction. I'm afraid of setting any mini goals because I always put too much pressure on myself and I get discouraged and I quit. I don't want this to be an "all or nothing" type thing. I want to continue to make changes in my diet (speaking of which, I haven't had any juice or soda in quite a few days besides a Coke slip up on friday) and keep up with the exercising (even though I was near death yesterday, I still considered popping in a dvd and walking a bit, I think I'm addicted, which is freaking AWESOME) and keep on working slowly to the right direction.
I kinda hate that it's slow, but hey, it could be nothing. it could be stagnant. I could still be 307lbs and miserable.
Feeling awesome.
Feeling pretty darn awesome.
thanks for reading.
And I was very happy with my weigh in this morning! Before my workout, I weighed in at 292.2lbs and after my workout (before my shower, TMI, I know) I weighed in at 291lbs! So, for the week, I lost 3lbs and that was WITH aunt flo making her visit this week. I wanted to dance on the scale, but I was scared I would break it lol
All in all, a very productive week. I was afraid of it being unproductive due the massive amount of carbs I consumed towards the end of the week, but I'm glad it ended the way it did.
Usually by now, I would've given up, but its been about 2 months and I'm down 16lbs and I'm still going strong.
I've been taking it one day at a time, one week at a time, telling myself that staying even means I maintained my weight loss and a loss means I'm headed in the right direction. I'm afraid of setting any mini goals because I always put too much pressure on myself and I get discouraged and I quit. I don't want this to be an "all or nothing" type thing. I want to continue to make changes in my diet (speaking of which, I haven't had any juice or soda in quite a few days besides a Coke slip up on friday) and keep up with the exercising (even though I was near death yesterday, I still considered popping in a dvd and walking a bit, I think I'm addicted, which is freaking AWESOME) and keep on working slowly to the right direction.
I kinda hate that it's slow, but hey, it could be nothing. it could be stagnant. I could still be 307lbs and miserable.
Feeling awesome.
Feeling pretty darn awesome.
thanks for reading.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Just Thoughts
Have been a little under the weather the last two days. I actually spent all day in bed today, a combination of Mother Nature's Monthly Debilitating Cramps and a small touch of the flu. Needless to say, I was beyond miserable all day.
Diet jumped out the window and took exercise with it. (darn those suicide twins!)
Totally pigged out last night and today I barely had an appetite and just ate whatever I could for strength. Scared to see what the scale will tell me for the week. I've been taking easy workouts all week because of my horrible timing; I've been getting to the gym late everyday so my workouts were short (25-35 mins)
Ugh.
But the good news is that I worked out everyday from Sunday to Thursday, so I still got my 5 workouts in for the week. Food was ok, not great, but not horrible either. Kinda scared, but looking forward to tomorrow's weigh in to see where I end up for the week.
Started last sunday at 294 and I'll be happy to still be there. My low for the week was 291.8, but I'm sure that was a fluke. I'm hoping for 293, but I'll be happy with 294. only a few more hours before I can get my results.
I totally despise how my period can throw me off-kilter for a few days. The mood swings were in rare form this month and the cramps are freaking outstanding. The good thing is that my periods have finally started to even out, but the horrible thing is that I get them. In a perfect world, my periods would just disappear without the arrival of a new little parasite to suck out my life's blood and drive me crazy internally for 9 months and externally for 50+ years...
I guess this is kind of a rant.
Maybe.
Just a bit.
Back on it tomorrow. I am going to up my exercise to 1 hour minimum each day for starters. Time to kick it up a notch.
Got really excited today because my belly was noticeably smaller when I laid on my side. I had my hand on my stomach while laying on my side and I rubbed down and my hand stopped about 1.5in shorter than I expected it to. It's funny the things that make you happy when you're losing weight.
Thanks for reading.
Diet jumped out the window and took exercise with it. (darn those suicide twins!)
Totally pigged out last night and today I barely had an appetite and just ate whatever I could for strength. Scared to see what the scale will tell me for the week. I've been taking easy workouts all week because of my horrible timing; I've been getting to the gym late everyday so my workouts were short (25-35 mins)
Ugh.
But the good news is that I worked out everyday from Sunday to Thursday, so I still got my 5 workouts in for the week. Food was ok, not great, but not horrible either. Kinda scared, but looking forward to tomorrow's weigh in to see where I end up for the week.
Started last sunday at 294 and I'll be happy to still be there. My low for the week was 291.8, but I'm sure that was a fluke. I'm hoping for 293, but I'll be happy with 294. only a few more hours before I can get my results.
I totally despise how my period can throw me off-kilter for a few days. The mood swings were in rare form this month and the cramps are freaking outstanding. The good thing is that my periods have finally started to even out, but the horrible thing is that I get them. In a perfect world, my periods would just disappear without the arrival of a new little parasite to suck out my life's blood and drive me crazy internally for 9 months and externally for 50+ years...
I guess this is kind of a rant.
Maybe.
Just a bit.
Back on it tomorrow. I am going to up my exercise to 1 hour minimum each day for starters. Time to kick it up a notch.
Got really excited today because my belly was noticeably smaller when I laid on my side. I had my hand on my stomach while laying on my side and I rubbed down and my hand stopped about 1.5in shorter than I expected it to. It's funny the things that make you happy when you're losing weight.
Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Feeling Very Strange
Warning: This is gonna look suspiciously like a complaint post, but it's not. (really it's not, HONEST)
So, since I've started this journey (I hate that word, but it really is the most appropriate one) at the end of October, I have lost 15lbs. I went from 307 down to 292 (as of this morning's weigh in). What's so strange is that this no longer feels like a major adjustment; I feel naked if I don't work out every day, I feel bad if I eat greasy, fattening food and I feel weak/tired/sick if I don't get my day 2 liters of water. Could it be, GASP, that my lifestyle has changed?!
For me, the 15 lbs in 2 months doesn't feel like it was enough, but, being honest with myself, I know that I wasn't "on it" the entire time and the weight that I have lost has been from hard work and me staying on plan.
My problem now is (ugh, here's my honesty moment) I miss eating bad stuff and being lazy...It really grinds my gears when I start to feel antsy because I skipped a workout, but sometimes I need the rest. I haven't been sleeping well, (nightmares, but that's for another blog) and I am dead tired in the mornings, but my internal clock wakes me at 530 for my am workout. No matter how hard I try to go back to sleep, I'm awake and the best I can do it lay there, while my brain makes me feel bad for not being on the way to the gym. And I want to eat something salty. ANYTHING salty. My husband offered me a french fry, but because I haven't had salt in so long, the saltiness was unbearable (but delicious, that's strange).
Does this happen to everyone? Will I forever feel guilty for a piece of cake? Will my legs run when the rest of my body wants to sleep? I like the fact that the transition from sedentary and gluttonous to active and healthy has been a smooth, almost easy one, but I kinda miss being a lard ass
Honest Moment Over
Looking forward to celebrating my first 25 off...10 more to go.
So, since I've started this journey (I hate that word, but it really is the most appropriate one) at the end of October, I have lost 15lbs. I went from 307 down to 292 (as of this morning's weigh in). What's so strange is that this no longer feels like a major adjustment; I feel naked if I don't work out every day, I feel bad if I eat greasy, fattening food and I feel weak/tired/sick if I don't get my day 2 liters of water. Could it be, GASP, that my lifestyle has changed?!
For me, the 15 lbs in 2 months doesn't feel like it was enough, but, being honest with myself, I know that I wasn't "on it" the entire time and the weight that I have lost has been from hard work and me staying on plan.
My problem now is (ugh, here's my honesty moment) I miss eating bad stuff and being lazy...It really grinds my gears when I start to feel antsy because I skipped a workout, but sometimes I need the rest. I haven't been sleeping well, (nightmares, but that's for another blog) and I am dead tired in the mornings, but my internal clock wakes me at 530 for my am workout. No matter how hard I try to go back to sleep, I'm awake and the best I can do it lay there, while my brain makes me feel bad for not being on the way to the gym. And I want to eat something salty. ANYTHING salty. My husband offered me a french fry, but because I haven't had salt in so long, the saltiness was unbearable (but delicious, that's strange).
Does this happen to everyone? Will I forever feel guilty for a piece of cake? Will my legs run when the rest of my body wants to sleep? I like the fact that the transition from sedentary and gluttonous to active and healthy has been a smooth, almost easy one, but I kinda miss being a lard ass
Honest Moment Over
Looking forward to celebrating my first 25 off...10 more to go.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Food Rewards
I was hovering around 295 since Thanksgiving and getting discouraged and angry and depressed. I went to IHOP last night and pigged out to make myself feel better (yeah, i know, horrible choice) and then I got on the scale today and I was 294
GTfreakOH!!!
So I broke my plateau and what was my first response?
I wanted to eat a Checker burger.
I purposely drove around so that I wouldn't have to drive past one because I didn't trust myself to not get in the drive thru and get myself a burger. Then my husband called and asked if I was hungry. "NOPE!! but I want a burger" is what I wanted to say, but I just calmly explained to him that I was trying to get past a craving and I didn't need any food.
I ate a powerbar and some apple slices with my evening cleanse regimen pills and lots of water.
I still want that darn burger though.
This is part of my cycle: I lose a few pounds and I want to reward myself and I go get something greasy and delicious and then get angry at myself for eating it and then the scale goes up the next day and then I go on an eating binge for a few days and then I get depressed about gaining more weight and then I stop all attempts at weight loss.
I'm so proud of myself for keeping myself on track through this plateau of mine (I'm calling it a plateau, but I don't think it truly was, but I lack a better word) and I don't want to descend into another bad cycle. To set myself back anymore than I already have.
But how do I break the cycle of rewarding myself with food? I think I will give myself other rewards. I have been FEENING for some sexy black or red heels and I might just treat myself to those after I get under 280...And there are a few tats that I want, so I will start planning those. I am most excited about a tat that says "dork" on my shoulder or ribcage and a wrist tat that says "i love musyc".
No more food rewards.
I still want that darn burger though.
Thanks for listening.
Pressing "post" without any hesistation.
GTfreakOH!!!
So I broke my plateau and what was my first response?
I wanted to eat a Checker burger.
I purposely drove around so that I wouldn't have to drive past one because I didn't trust myself to not get in the drive thru and get myself a burger. Then my husband called and asked if I was hungry. "NOPE!! but I want a burger" is what I wanted to say, but I just calmly explained to him that I was trying to get past a craving and I didn't need any food.
I ate a powerbar and some apple slices with my evening cleanse regimen pills and lots of water.
I still want that darn burger though.
This is part of my cycle: I lose a few pounds and I want to reward myself and I go get something greasy and delicious and then get angry at myself for eating it and then the scale goes up the next day and then I go on an eating binge for a few days and then I get depressed about gaining more weight and then I stop all attempts at weight loss.
I'm so proud of myself for keeping myself on track through this plateau of mine (I'm calling it a plateau, but I don't think it truly was, but I lack a better word) and I don't want to descend into another bad cycle. To set myself back anymore than I already have.
But how do I break the cycle of rewarding myself with food? I think I will give myself other rewards. I have been FEENING for some sexy black or red heels and I might just treat myself to those after I get under 280...And there are a few tats that I want, so I will start planning those. I am most excited about a tat that says "dork" on my shoulder or ribcage and a wrist tat that says "i love musyc".
No more food rewards.
I still want that darn burger though.
Thanks for listening.
Pressing "post" without any hesistation.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Tough Spot
Over the last 2 years, my marriage hit quite a few tough spots. Me, being the internist that I am, I blamed my weight. I figured that if I could be thinner and prettier, my marriage problems would magically disappear. (I hope that I am not the only person who believed that, that would make me feel really stupid and very lonely.)
I've always felt really lucky that my husband is such a loving, supportive, wonderful man that looked past my ridiculous weight problem and continued to love and support me fully.
Then, during a conversation, he told me that my weight bothered him a little bit and affected some of our day-to-day interactions (translation: sex) and I threw myself into a frenzy of failed weight loss attempts, with me coming out heavier each time.
Now that I've spent the last month changing a lot of habits and exercising and cutting back on calories and feeling better about myself, I am starting to see results. People have told me I look like I've lost a few, my sister told me my butt has risen and thighs are smaller and my mil told me that she's proud of me, so I am feeling really awesome and then the bombshell drops:
hubby tells me he wants me to stay home more often.
I tell him, politely, that I need to go to the gym at least 5 times a week to keep a good weight loss trend going. He tells me he doesn't want me to lose too much, that my thighs are just fine, that I can use the treadmill at home, that I don't need to leave the house so much, etc...
WHAT??!!!!
I'm losing this weight for me! for him! for my kids! for myself!
I'm thinking that he will support me through it, cuz he gets a HOT wife afterwards, but NO! He's much less supportive and when I call him on it, he's nonchalant about it. It makes me feel guilty when I want to go to the gym to workout. He offers me "fat foods" and I feel bad for not eating them. We used to have fun eating together, but I was the one gaining a million pounds. He told me he lost his eating buddy. I tell him I gained a whole person.
I feel bad. I feel horrible. And confused. And I don't like confusion. I guess maybe he feels threatened by my boost of confidence or my changing body. I used to turn heads everywhere I went and had to beat guys off with a stick (those were the days! lol) and maybe he's feeling a little "weird" about me getting back to that kind of body... (crosses fingers on that)
Just hit a tough spot, and I guess I wanted to get it off my chest.
I've always felt really lucky that my husband is such a loving, supportive, wonderful man that looked past my ridiculous weight problem and continued to love and support me fully.
Then, during a conversation, he told me that my weight bothered him a little bit and affected some of our day-to-day interactions (translation: sex) and I threw myself into a frenzy of failed weight loss attempts, with me coming out heavier each time.
Now that I've spent the last month changing a lot of habits and exercising and cutting back on calories and feeling better about myself, I am starting to see results. People have told me I look like I've lost a few, my sister told me my butt has risen and thighs are smaller and my mil told me that she's proud of me, so I am feeling really awesome and then the bombshell drops:
hubby tells me he wants me to stay home more often.
I tell him, politely, that I need to go to the gym at least 5 times a week to keep a good weight loss trend going. He tells me he doesn't want me to lose too much, that my thighs are just fine, that I can use the treadmill at home, that I don't need to leave the house so much, etc...
WHAT??!!!!
I'm losing this weight for me! for him! for my kids! for myself!
I'm thinking that he will support me through it, cuz he gets a HOT wife afterwards, but NO! He's much less supportive and when I call him on it, he's nonchalant about it. It makes me feel guilty when I want to go to the gym to workout. He offers me "fat foods" and I feel bad for not eating them. We used to have fun eating together, but I was the one gaining a million pounds. He told me he lost his eating buddy. I tell him I gained a whole person.
I feel bad. I feel horrible. And confused. And I don't like confusion. I guess maybe he feels threatened by my boost of confidence or my changing body. I used to turn heads everywhere I went and had to beat guys off with a stick (those were the days! lol) and maybe he's feeling a little "weird" about me getting back to that kind of body... (crosses fingers on that)
Just hit a tough spot, and I guess I wanted to get it off my chest.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Gaining to Lose
Coming here is always so hard and so refreshing; I feel like I'm helping, but I also am holding myself accountable. With that being said, I gained. I am cringing at the thought of putting my weight on here for everyone to see (ugh, the thought of it actually makes me nauseous), but I must continue on the path of total honesty: I got down to 293 from 307, but I gained myself back to 302, now I'm down to 297 again...that's a whole lot of up and down. But that's always typical with me: I lose, then I tell myself that I did so good, I deserve an ice cream, or cookie, or burger or whatever else, then I take a few days and pig out, then I get on the scale and I'm like: WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF?! then I grab another burger and gain a few more...this time though, I believe that I have broken the cycle: I gained and I bitch-slapped myself and I'm losing again. It's nothing like seeing the scale go back over 300 to get you back going.
I'm feeling strong and motivated (I usually do, after a workout, and I left the gym not too long ago), and I hope I can maintain this. I keep thinking that if I would've just kept losing, instead of gaining to lose again, I would've been out of the 290's by now. smh.
I used to sabotage myself, now I am going to be the key to my own success. I have never been able to keep at it this long and I am sure that I will make it through this time.
I'm not sure what actually triggered my current bout of weight loss, possibly my doc saying gastric bypass or my family worrying about me or problems in my marriage or me just wanting to wear heels, but I know that I looked in the mirror for a good, long time a few weeks ago and I was shocked, appalled, disgusted and angry. Shocked at the person I saw because I felt like I didn't know them, even though it was me. Appalled that I had never seen myself in that light before. Disgusted at the rolls and lumps and fat hanging off me. And angry at myself for letting it get so bad. For letting myself go that far. For giving up on myself and allowing food and laziness destroy my body.
No more gaining to lose for me. Just losing this time.
Posting this one isn't as hard as the last ones. I hope it continues to be easier. Thanks for taking the trip with me.
I'm feeling strong and motivated (I usually do, after a workout, and I left the gym not too long ago), and I hope I can maintain this. I keep thinking that if I would've just kept losing, instead of gaining to lose again, I would've been out of the 290's by now. smh.
I used to sabotage myself, now I am going to be the key to my own success. I have never been able to keep at it this long and I am sure that I will make it through this time.
I'm not sure what actually triggered my current bout of weight loss, possibly my doc saying gastric bypass or my family worrying about me or problems in my marriage or me just wanting to wear heels, but I know that I looked in the mirror for a good, long time a few weeks ago and I was shocked, appalled, disgusted and angry. Shocked at the person I saw because I felt like I didn't know them, even though it was me. Appalled that I had never seen myself in that light before. Disgusted at the rolls and lumps and fat hanging off me. And angry at myself for letting it get so bad. For letting myself go that far. For giving up on myself and allowing food and laziness destroy my body.
No more gaining to lose for me. Just losing this time.
Posting this one isn't as hard as the last ones. I hope it continues to be easier. Thanks for taking the trip with me.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Holding "Me" Accountable
When you've been fat as long as I have, it is the hardest thing in the world to take responsibility for my own actions. It's hard to admit that I am fat by my own doing. And it is harder still to admit that it's my own fault if I stay fat.
For some reason, us fatties just want to wake up and be thin; we don't want to spend the time it takes to make ourselves that way. I truly believe that is because we have spent so much time avoiding our growing bodies that we feel like we did just that: woke up fat. And if we can wake up fat, then why can't we wake up thin?
Today I had a hard realization: I have complete control over my weight. I have been lax on my exercising (skipping days, not working as hard) and have been allowing myself to eat like a hog again (filling a void with food) and, as a result, I have gained weight.
I was so excited to see my scale go down to my lowest weight in over a year that it totally crushed me to see it go back up again. And it was harder still to hold myself accountable.
I'm full and I want to have a slice of pizza because I have associated bad feelings with carbs. Carbs are like bandaids: they cover the wound so that you forget it's there, but when the bandaid comes off, you see the scar. Repeat cycle several times, for several years and you've got me: the poster child for weight gain. I've put on about 120lbs in the last 8 yrs (and this is a generous estimate) and even though I have finally started to feel strong enough to tackle my weight, it gets hard. I want to eat what I want and exercise only when I feel like it and still have a perfect body, but that is unrealistic and it is NOT the life I live. I laid out this road, now I must learn it, master it and lay out a better road for myself.
I have to change the voices inside my head and make them like me.
I will write love on my arms and embrace all the imperfections that make me fucking perfect.
Once again, its hard, but I will press: publish post
For some reason, us fatties just want to wake up and be thin; we don't want to spend the time it takes to make ourselves that way. I truly believe that is because we have spent so much time avoiding our growing bodies that we feel like we did just that: woke up fat. And if we can wake up fat, then why can't we wake up thin?
Today I had a hard realization: I have complete control over my weight. I have been lax on my exercising (skipping days, not working as hard) and have been allowing myself to eat like a hog again (filling a void with food) and, as a result, I have gained weight.
I was so excited to see my scale go down to my lowest weight in over a year that it totally crushed me to see it go back up again. And it was harder still to hold myself accountable.
I'm full and I want to have a slice of pizza because I have associated bad feelings with carbs. Carbs are like bandaids: they cover the wound so that you forget it's there, but when the bandaid comes off, you see the scar. Repeat cycle several times, for several years and you've got me: the poster child for weight gain. I've put on about 120lbs in the last 8 yrs (and this is a generous estimate) and even though I have finally started to feel strong enough to tackle my weight, it gets hard. I want to eat what I want and exercise only when I feel like it and still have a perfect body, but that is unrealistic and it is NOT the life I live. I laid out this road, now I must learn it, master it and lay out a better road for myself.
I have to change the voices inside my head and make them like me.
I will write love on my arms and embrace all the imperfections that make me fucking perfect.
Once again, its hard, but I will press: publish post
Sunday, November 27, 2011
The First Post is Always the Hardest
I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing here and I am pretty darn sure that this is a huge mistake. If not a mistake now, then it will be a mistake in the near future. While I consider myself to be a pretty open person, the subject of my weight has always been a taboo subject. I do not tend to like to talk about it unless I am giving the usual: I'm on a diet. I wanna lose weight.
You know. The same old spiel that keeps people from realizing what a true, lazy lard ass you are.
Because they can see how fat you are and it troubles them to think that you aren't doing anything about it. I mean, how could you NOT do anything about it? How can you look at your fat body in the mirror and not be so disgusted that you stop eating and start exercising and you don't eat again until you are a perfect size 2?
The answer is easy: you DON'T look in the mirror. You avoid all activities that involve you coming in contact with your reflection. This works for a while, but you continue to grow. And grow. Not taller, wider. Your clothes stop fitting and you are tired more often and you start to feel heavy. Really heavy.
And then it happens:
you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and the sight knocks the wind out of you: you're fat! Like, really fat! when did this happen? why weren't you there for this momentous event?
Then you either do one of two things: you descend into an epic depression and grab the nearest tub of ice cream and cookies or you go on a diet/exercise binge that ends in temporary results and ultimate failure and THEN you grab your cookies and ice cream. Repeat this a few times and then a few years go by and your size 20's are starting to feel a little snug and you're in front of that mirror again and then it happens: you get mad. you get mad and you get tired. and THEN you change.
This is where I am now. At my heaviest, I tipped the scales at 309lbs, I was squeezing into my clothes and feeling like I was carrying the weight of the world. It might not have been the weight of the world, but it was definitely the weight of another human: I needed to lose at least 140lbs to be at a "healthy" weight. My doctor recommended gastric bypass and people around me starting dropping the dreaded "hints": "Maybe you should go the gym with me. It'll be fun!" "I just started these diet pills, do you want one?" "You know that if you stop eating carbs, the pounds will melt off?"
Note: I did NOT, (I repeat did NOT) kill any of these people, though I have had plenty of orgasmic dreams about doing so. You see, these people have the gross misconception that I do not know how to lose weight. That's not it. I read, I watch TV, I am not an idiot: I know that diet, exercise and drinking lots of water is ideal for weight loss and great health.
So why am I fat?
That answer is simple too: I ignored myself for about 8 years. I allowed raising my children, taking care of my husband, my career, my education, my husband's business and everything else trump taking care of myself. Now, I am not saying that these things force-fed me all those delicious calories in the form of cookies and cakes and steak and cheeses, because that would be a lie. I am saying that I let "life" become more important than the health of my body. I let my depression and ambition and hectic life take over and picking up burgers was so much easier than cooking a healthy meal for myself. Staying up late with my babies or doing homework was more important than sleep or exercising. I have made attempts at dropping the weight before now and I always gave up if I didn't see results fast enough. "Why work so hard if I was only gonna lose 2lbs a week? I want to lose my 100lbs NOW!"
I now realize that it took 8yrs to pack on this weight and giving it at least 2yrs to come back off is realistic and acceptable.
Follow me on my journey. Knowing that someone might be reading and laughing at me or reading and talking trash about me or reading and crying before deciding to join me makes writing this worthwhile. If I can let just one person know that they are not alone, then this public embarassment is worth it.
And it's embarassing for me. I don't want to, but I will press "publish post" now.
You know. The same old spiel that keeps people from realizing what a true, lazy lard ass you are.
Because they can see how fat you are and it troubles them to think that you aren't doing anything about it. I mean, how could you NOT do anything about it? How can you look at your fat body in the mirror and not be so disgusted that you stop eating and start exercising and you don't eat again until you are a perfect size 2?
The answer is easy: you DON'T look in the mirror. You avoid all activities that involve you coming in contact with your reflection. This works for a while, but you continue to grow. And grow. Not taller, wider. Your clothes stop fitting and you are tired more often and you start to feel heavy. Really heavy.
And then it happens:
you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and the sight knocks the wind out of you: you're fat! Like, really fat! when did this happen? why weren't you there for this momentous event?
Then you either do one of two things: you descend into an epic depression and grab the nearest tub of ice cream and cookies or you go on a diet/exercise binge that ends in temporary results and ultimate failure and THEN you grab your cookies and ice cream. Repeat this a few times and then a few years go by and your size 20's are starting to feel a little snug and you're in front of that mirror again and then it happens: you get mad. you get mad and you get tired. and THEN you change.
This is where I am now. At my heaviest, I tipped the scales at 309lbs, I was squeezing into my clothes and feeling like I was carrying the weight of the world. It might not have been the weight of the world, but it was definitely the weight of another human: I needed to lose at least 140lbs to be at a "healthy" weight. My doctor recommended gastric bypass and people around me starting dropping the dreaded "hints": "Maybe you should go the gym with me. It'll be fun!" "I just started these diet pills, do you want one?" "You know that if you stop eating carbs, the pounds will melt off?"
Note: I did NOT, (I repeat did NOT) kill any of these people, though I have had plenty of orgasmic dreams about doing so. You see, these people have the gross misconception that I do not know how to lose weight. That's not it. I read, I watch TV, I am not an idiot: I know that diet, exercise and drinking lots of water is ideal for weight loss and great health.
So why am I fat?
That answer is simple too: I ignored myself for about 8 years. I allowed raising my children, taking care of my husband, my career, my education, my husband's business and everything else trump taking care of myself. Now, I am not saying that these things force-fed me all those delicious calories in the form of cookies and cakes and steak and cheeses, because that would be a lie. I am saying that I let "life" become more important than the health of my body. I let my depression and ambition and hectic life take over and picking up burgers was so much easier than cooking a healthy meal for myself. Staying up late with my babies or doing homework was more important than sleep or exercising. I have made attempts at dropping the weight before now and I always gave up if I didn't see results fast enough. "Why work so hard if I was only gonna lose 2lbs a week? I want to lose my 100lbs NOW!"
I now realize that it took 8yrs to pack on this weight and giving it at least 2yrs to come back off is realistic and acceptable.
Follow me on my journey. Knowing that someone might be reading and laughing at me or reading and talking trash about me or reading and crying before deciding to join me makes writing this worthwhile. If I can let just one person know that they are not alone, then this public embarassment is worth it.
And it's embarassing for me. I don't want to, but I will press "publish post" now.
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