I was having a good day today. I started with a killer 1400 cal workout (that almost killed me, literally) and I stuck to my diet, ate under 1500 cals and drank more than 1.5 liters of water. Was feeling awesome all day.
Went to YouTube to watch some videos of weight loss transformations for inspiration. Ended up watching Christina Aguilera's video for "in this skin" and the darkness rolled in.
I swear, I was almost in tears by the second verse and I spent the next 2 hours doing damage control.
I have been overweight for my entire adult life and that song reminded that I haven't felt really good about my body in almost ten years (cue the violins). I was so proud of myself for breaking the depression today and here I was, sitting still while allowing it to lower its ugly cloud over me.
I browsed through dozens of country videos (for some reason, country music boosts my mood) and then I settled for my failsafe:
P!nk.
She is the epitome of self expression, honesty and self love. She is totally like "I'm weird, so what? dont like it? fuck you!" and I LOVE that about her. so here are my faves for the down mood that needs to be upped. Click and enjoy whenever needed:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asaCQOZpqUQ&feature=relmfu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjVNlG5cZyQ&feature=relmfu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJfFZqTlWrQ&feature=relmfu
She also has a song called "fuckin perfect" that I love, but I won't post the link here because it's very triggering for those who may be suffering from or recovered from an ED. I used to suffer from one and it was difficult to watch, but the lyrics are so powerful.
"Change the voices in your head; make them like you instead"
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Gym Lookers
Oh, the gym, how I love thee!
But how I HATE everyone else who goes there.
It seems like such a stigma attached to "fat people exercising". I feel too fat for the treadmill or elliptical, but it's obvious that I need to be there (have you seen my THIGHS?!) but I feel inadequate and uncomfortable when the person next to me watches me.
It's like "eyes forward, buddy!" but I guess you can't help but look. And as soon at they do, I immediately feel like they are pitying me for the little bit of work I am doing or they are laughing at me for not being able to go faster or work harder and I have a mini panic attack and I have to run away!
Ugh.
And I simply HATE seeing fit, trim women on a treadmill, running with the wind in their hair, their tones legs moving gracefully, arms pumping, not breaking a sweat or slowing down while I am puffing away, drenched, barely clearing a mile in less than 18 minutes.
Makes me feel like such a failure and I want to just go home and cuddle with Ben AND Jerry.
I lift weights 4-5 times a week and the guys are shameless in their blatant staring at my ass when I do lunges and squats. I've seen them stop their workout and look appreciably at my rear while I work out. I'm not flattered, I'm uncomfortable. I feel like they are critiquing my technique, even though I know their eyes aren't travelling higher than my back.
Ugh.
Why can't the gym be a happy place for me? I find myself going when it's emptiest, just so I don't have to be around others. When I "zone out", I'm fine, but it irks me when I catch someone looking. My own social awkwardness and anxiety feels crippling when at the gym while it's at its peak flow of customers.
I have stopped more than one workout to go into the locker room and take deep breaths or text my husband.
Ugh.
Post over. Thanks for reading.
(I hope it gets better, but its been 6 months and it hasn't yet)
But how I HATE everyone else who goes there.
It seems like such a stigma attached to "fat people exercising". I feel too fat for the treadmill or elliptical, but it's obvious that I need to be there (have you seen my THIGHS?!) but I feel inadequate and uncomfortable when the person next to me watches me.
It's like "eyes forward, buddy!" but I guess you can't help but look. And as soon at they do, I immediately feel like they are pitying me for the little bit of work I am doing or they are laughing at me for not being able to go faster or work harder and I have a mini panic attack and I have to run away!
Ugh.
And I simply HATE seeing fit, trim women on a treadmill, running with the wind in their hair, their tones legs moving gracefully, arms pumping, not breaking a sweat or slowing down while I am puffing away, drenched, barely clearing a mile in less than 18 minutes.
Makes me feel like such a failure and I want to just go home and cuddle with Ben AND Jerry.
I lift weights 4-5 times a week and the guys are shameless in their blatant staring at my ass when I do lunges and squats. I've seen them stop their workout and look appreciably at my rear while I work out. I'm not flattered, I'm uncomfortable. I feel like they are critiquing my technique, even though I know their eyes aren't travelling higher than my back.
Ugh.
Why can't the gym be a happy place for me? I find myself going when it's emptiest, just so I don't have to be around others. When I "zone out", I'm fine, but it irks me when I catch someone looking. My own social awkwardness and anxiety feels crippling when at the gym while it's at its peak flow of customers.
I have stopped more than one workout to go into the locker room and take deep breaths or text my husband.
Ugh.
Post over. Thanks for reading.
(I hope it gets better, but its been 6 months and it hasn't yet)
Magic Mirror
Magic Mirror on the wall
Please tell me why I'm so tall
and why do my hips and butt stick out?
I've got handles for loving,
but I hate them with a passion
I've got war wounds on my belly
but I don't remember going to fight
My torso is long and my legs are short
My thighs run on for miles and miles around
They tell me these marks are for stretching
but I thought I was done growing already
so I wish they would stop
Magic Mirror, is that really me?
When did I get so round
so wide
so darn big?!
And why didn't you warn me?
Why didn't you tell me to stop before all this damage was done?
And why must you watch me while I try to undo it?
You seem to follow me everywhere
I can't even go to work without getting a glimpse of the blob that has become me
the me that I barely recognize, but it must be me as I am the only one here
No matter how much I tuck, suck and stand on my tiptoes, I am still fat
and you aren't shadowing it one bit
I didn't think that those extra bites of pasta
or that ice cream
or those hours in front of the TV would turn me into
THIS
Magic Mirror, tell me lies
Show me the thinner, prettier me of days long past
Show me a time when my body wasn't ruled my gigantic ass
when my belly was flat and my thighs were toned
Show me my future
Show me what's coming
And I'll try to see it through my veil of tears
Please tell me why I'm so tall
and why do my hips and butt stick out?
I've got handles for loving,
but I hate them with a passion
I've got war wounds on my belly
but I don't remember going to fight
My torso is long and my legs are short
My thighs run on for miles and miles around
They tell me these marks are for stretching
but I thought I was done growing already
so I wish they would stop
Magic Mirror, is that really me?
When did I get so round
so wide
so darn big?!
And why didn't you warn me?
Why didn't you tell me to stop before all this damage was done?
And why must you watch me while I try to undo it?
You seem to follow me everywhere
I can't even go to work without getting a glimpse of the blob that has become me
the me that I barely recognize, but it must be me as I am the only one here
No matter how much I tuck, suck and stand on my tiptoes, I am still fat
and you aren't shadowing it one bit
I didn't think that those extra bites of pasta
or that ice cream
or those hours in front of the TV would turn me into
THIS
Magic Mirror, tell me lies
Show me the thinner, prettier me of days long past
Show me a time when my body wasn't ruled my gigantic ass
when my belly was flat and my thighs were toned
Show me my future
Show me what's coming
And I'll try to see it through my veil of tears
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