When you've been fat as long as I have, it is the hardest thing in the world to take responsibility for my own actions. It's hard to admit that I am fat by my own doing. And it is harder still to admit that it's my own fault if I stay fat.
For some reason, us fatties just want to wake up and be thin; we don't want to spend the time it takes to make ourselves that way. I truly believe that is because we have spent so much time avoiding our growing bodies that we feel like we did just that: woke up fat. And if we can wake up fat, then why can't we wake up thin?
Today I had a hard realization: I have complete control over my weight. I have been lax on my exercising (skipping days, not working as hard) and have been allowing myself to eat like a hog again (filling a void with food) and, as a result, I have gained weight.
I was so excited to see my scale go down to my lowest weight in over a year that it totally crushed me to see it go back up again. And it was harder still to hold myself accountable.
I'm full and I want to have a slice of pizza because I have associated bad feelings with carbs. Carbs are like bandaids: they cover the wound so that you forget it's there, but when the bandaid comes off, you see the scar. Repeat cycle several times, for several years and you've got me: the poster child for weight gain. I've put on about 120lbs in the last 8 yrs (and this is a generous estimate) and even though I have finally started to feel strong enough to tackle my weight, it gets hard. I want to eat what I want and exercise only when I feel like it and still have a perfect body, but that is unrealistic and it is NOT the life I live. I laid out this road, now I must learn it, master it and lay out a better road for myself.
I have to change the voices inside my head and make them like me.
I will write love on my arms and embrace all the imperfections that make me fucking perfect.
Once again, its hard, but I will press: publish post
No comments:
Post a Comment