Gaining to Lose

Coming here is always so hard and so refreshing; I feel like I'm helping, but I also am holding myself accountable. With that being said, I gained. I am cringing at the thought of putting my weight on here for everyone to see (ugh, the thought of it actually makes me nauseous), but I must continue on the path of total honesty: I got down to 293 from 307, but I gained myself back to 302, now I'm down to 297 again...that's a whole lot of up and down. But that's always typical with me: I lose, then I tell myself that I did so good, I deserve an ice cream, or cookie, or burger or whatever else, then I take a few days and pig out, then I get on the scale and I'm like: WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF?! then I grab another burger and gain a few more...this time though, I believe that I have broken the cycle: I gained and I bitch-slapped myself and I'm losing again. It's nothing like seeing the scale go back over 300 to get you back going.
I'm feeling strong and motivated (I usually do, after a workout, and I left the gym not too long ago), and I hope I can maintain this. I keep thinking that if I would've just kept losing, instead of gaining to lose again, I would've been out of the 290's by now. smh.
I used to sabotage myself, now I am going to be the key to my own success. I have never been able to keep at it this long and I am sure that I will make it through this time.
I'm not sure what actually triggered my current bout of weight loss, possibly my doc saying gastric bypass or my family worrying about me or problems in my marriage or me just wanting to wear heels, but I know that I looked in the mirror for a good, long time a few weeks ago and I was shocked, appalled, disgusted and angry. Shocked at the person I saw because I felt like I didn't know them, even though it was me. Appalled that I had never seen myself in that light before. Disgusted at the rolls and lumps and fat hanging off me. And angry at myself for letting it get so bad. For letting myself go that far. For giving up on myself and allowing food and laziness destroy my body.
No more gaining to lose for me. Just losing this time.
Posting this one isn't as hard as the last ones. I hope it continues to be easier. Thanks for taking the trip with me.